The Minutes Before

Here is how I imagine him:

Midnight.

He sits on a metal folding chair, half-dressed in pants and a t-shirt. This is his room, a modified shipping container, his home for the previous three months as well as for the next nine. The exterior is steel, the roof protected by a layer of filled sandbags, the interior lined with plywood, bulky two-by-four shelves pushed up against one wall, his bed against another. There are no windows. The lights are off. His personal belongings are all around him: a DVD player and pirated discs, a computer to screen the movies. The hard drive holds pictures of his children, pictures of his life as a soldier. It holds financial information, rows and columns a living record of gains and, mostly, losses. His life, reduced to things invisible. Digitized, stored inside miniature manila file folders. Things so big made so small. He is an Army sergeant, aggressive and motivated. Mature. Battle-tested. The type of leader his bosses admire. He has responsibilities. Even as he sits, there are soldiers all around him, eighteen young men, some literally half his age. Flesh and blood. Life-sized. He is responsible for their health and welfare, for their training, for their lives. Two of them, on guard duty on top of the operations center a few buildings over, look out into the dark Kandahar desert night. Looking for things they’ll never see, but things he sees. Dangerous things. A few of the other men, sergeants like he is, are close by. They are in their own rooms, their own modified shipping containers. The remainder, all junior soldiers, sleep in their barracks just twenty meters away.

He looks at his government-issued belongings, spread around him on the floor. Disarray. Protective gear, a night vision device, maps and alcohol pens, packaged military rations, dirty uniforms and socks and t-shirts. Fragments of war. Weapons too, and ammunition. Small things that produce big results. On the floor next to his bed are his boots. One upright, the other on its side. There is a pistol there, next to a boot, a lace casually touching the barrel. An American flag in the background and it would look just like those romanticized, self-indulgent paintings he sees in the kiosks at the base department store back home, the prints with romanticized, self-indulgent titles. Like Casualty of War. Or Freedom Isn’t Free. There is a mostly empty plastic container on the table next to him, a remaining few drinks of whiskey mixed with Coke, sent to him in a Dasani water bottle from someone at home. Maybe a friend. Probably his wife. A peace offering, trying to make up for spending so much of their money – of his money – trying to make up for overdrawn checking accounts. His eyes are closed, the back of his head resting against the wall behind him. Or maybe his head is hung forward. Low. Chin on chest, elbows on knees, fingers interlocked behind his head. His hands pulling down, his neck pushing back. A stalemate. Tension permeates through his body, envelops him. He is thinking: About money, about finances, about his two homes. About mortgages he can’t afford, about bankruptcy. He thinks about his career, how it is stalling, how he is not getting promoted fast enough. He thinks about war. How this one is not pursued aggressively enough, how anyone not wearing a US military uniform is the enemy, how they are all around him. He thinks about his wife. About happiness. He thinks about envy and regret. Mostly he thinks about the one thing he believes he has earned, he knows he has earned, the one thing that should not be taken from him, that should, rather, be granted him: Mostly, he thinks about respect.

Here is how I imagine him.

Midnight.

He breathes in deeply. Holds the air, squeezes his lungs. He flexes. His neck, his face, his jaw. Every muscle clenching, every tendon expanding, every artery, every vein, every capillary constricting. Every electron circling, faster and faster, in tighter and tighter circles. Spiraling. Like a tornado reaching for ground, like his deepest center is a black hole, sucking every part of him into it.

He breathes out. He opens his eyes. And then he stands up.

The Best and Worst In Us: Finding Meaning in War

A Critical Review of Chris Hedges’ War Is a Force That Gives Us Meaning


Sarajevo in the summer of 1995 came close to Dante’s inner circle of hell.”

Thus begins Chris Hedges’ War Is a Force That Gives Us Meaning, his acclaimed work on the human experience in modern armed conflicts. War Is a Force is ostensibly an exploration as to why we wage war despite the nonsensical reasons we engage in it and the unavoidable damage it causes us. A theologian by education and an investigative reporter by training, Hedges is well-equipped for observation. “War exposes the capacity for evil that lurks not far below the surface within all of us,” he writes, having personally witnessed, and reported on, wars around the world. Hedges recognizes that societies and individual humans have been capable of heinous acts for our entire histories. He is specifically interested in the “why” we humans continuously return to war, and why we continue to expose that evil within us. His answer: “Even with its destruction and carnage it can give us what we long for in life. It can give us purpose, meaning, a reason for living”.

Here is the primary theme of War Is a Force: We humans not only regularly reengage in violence, often despicably so, but on some level, we enjoy it. Hedges does not directly write “war is fun,” but the implication is present. Armed conflict provides emotion and emotional bonds largely unattainable in other forms of human interaction; these emotions and emotional bonds then provide us “meaning” or purpose and thusly enjoyment; because we knowingly benefit from it, we are all liable.

The title notwithstanding, Hedges’ theory is that engaging directly or indirectly in mortal combat, or suffering the effects of those who do, provides an answer to the eternal question of “what does this all mean?” His theory, however, plays only a supporting role in War is a Force. Rather, Hedges’ thesis is most clearly outlined in the introduction:

“I learned early on that war forms its own culture. The rush of battle is a potent and often lethal addiction, for war is a drug, one I ingested for many years. It is peddled by mythmakers—historians, war correspondents, filmmakers, novelists, and the state—all of whom endow it with qualities it often does possess: excitement, exoticism, power, chances to rise above our small stations in life, and a bizarre and fantastic universe that has a grotesque and dark beauty.”

Comparing war to a lethal and addictive drug diminishes those qualities Hedges uses to make his greater point, that war provides opportunities for excitement, exoticism, and power. Hedges makes these points forcefully. But it’s that last phrase – that war’s “bizarre and fantastic universe,” grotesqueness, and dark beauty provide us opportunities to be greater than what we thought we could be – is where War Is a Force is lacking in logic. Hedges’ argument, essentially, is that we offer ourselves the opportunity to experience nearly divine moments of self-actualization when we are at the darkest, most vile, most evil versions of ourselves.

Though war certainly provides opportunity for excellence, for heightened emotions, for virtue and courage (discussed later in more depth), Hedges conflates these with “meaning.” It is difficult to square Hedges’ assertion that war provides us “a reason for living” through the experience of death and dying (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). His main point is further weakened by highlighting that these moments of “meaning” are fleeting, as if the long stretches of misery and suffering experienced in war are mitigated with short bursts of experiencing that essence of understanding, and relishing in, the human condition. Hedges also fails in providing us alternatives or meaningful comparisons. The bravery of not going to war, for example, or the shared experience of achievement through some joint endeavor. Protests movements, rebellions, non-violent uprisings, repealing of unjust laws – all have elements of oppression overcome through shared sacrifice. All are possible without experiencing the drug of war.

Hedges, an experienced war correspondent and a Harvard-educated divinity student, wrote War Is a Force as an ablution. “This book is not a call for inaction,” he writes. “It is a call for repentance”. Hedges distributes sin equitably throughout the book, but writes most caustically of politicians and the media. The repentance, however, is most palpably his own. Hedges is a keen observer of the drivers of war, leveraging his experience in conflicts in Central America, North Africa, the Middle East, and the Balkans. His experiences as an observer, a dispassionate reporter, and a voyeur are what has led Hedges to repent through this simultaneously deeply personal and transcendent book.

There is irony in this juxtaposition. Hedges’ “call for repentance,” whether his or ours, counters his own argument that war provides a forum to the essential human experience. If Hedges believes war provides us meaning, and if meaning provides us insight into what it means to experience ultimate humanness, then for what reason must we repent? In War Is a Force, Hedges does distinguish the everyday humans caught in conflict from those he calls “mythmakers.” It is the former, perhaps, who find meaning without seeking it out, as it is these “everyday” humans who most often exist in a paradigm contrary to their professed moral structure. We live our daily lives locally, without the specter of organized, state-sanctioned violence or mass destruction. When we are presented with the opportunity to find Hedges’ warfare-driven meaning, it is most likely as a result of the mythmaker’s efforts. These politicians, profiteers, and media magnates, Hedges argues, instigate, perpetuate, and profit from the death and destruction around them. The broad idea is this: Nations and power brokers – almost exclusively men – exploit fear for personal gain. Mythmakers, among whom Hedges lists historians, war correspondents, filmmakers, and novelists, play along with the power brokers’ fear-mongering, contributing to and then enflaming mass-hysteria based on the false divisions of race, ethnicity, or religion (though Hedges asserts most national myths are essentially racist, false divisions are evidenced not only on skin color, but on perceived territorial disputes, identity politics, or even, in a nod to Gary Shteyngart’s novel Absurdistan, the tilt direction of Christ’s footrest). We the mere human, powerless, become not victims but willing participants. We contribute to the destruction such that we forget that which made us functioning societies in the first place. “The employment of organized violence,” Hedges writes, “means one must, in fact, abandon fixed and established values”. Hedges later expands that “[t]he myth of war creates a new artificial reality. Moral precepts—ones we have spent a lifetime honoring—are jettisoned”.

Hedges is not alone in this assertion, nor in affixing blame to the “mythmakers” for fanning the flames. Mark Kurlanksy, in his book Nonviolence, cites government propaganda machines selectively glorifying war and dehumanizing an enemy. “Hatred of the enemy is a cornerstone of selling a war,” Kurlanksy writes. In the first world war, British and American power apparatus needed to build opposition to Germany’s Kaiser Wilhelm and the high number of German soldiers. The collective British and American press collaborated with governments to portray the Kaiser “as monstrous, a lunatic,” while German soldiers were “said to rape nuns and mutilate children”. Yet, just two decades later, those nation’s war propaganda machines were relatively quiet despite the actual atrocities committed by Hitler and the Nazis. The reason, Kurlansky argues, is because fighting to save Jews and marginalized communities in Europe was not something the public was likely to support with enthusiasm.

Kurlansky, like Hedges, argues that the book and film industries are at fault as well. Through multiple passages, Nonviolence explores the American film industry’s glorification of war, contrasting World War II movies like Saving Private Ryan with Vietnam-era movies like Platoon and The Deer Hunter. A scene in Saving Private Ryan depicts German (they were actually Czech) soldiers attempting to surrender. Despite having dropped their weapons and raised their hands in surrender, the American soldiers shoot them, mocking their accents. A cutaway to the movie’s protagonist, Captain John Miller (played by Tom Hanks), shows disappointment on his face. These young men are under his charge, and Captain Miller has already revealed himself as an honorable warrior-citizen. The American soldiers, however, revel in the shooting. One soldier jokes that the enemy soldiers were saying, “Look! I washed for supper!” Kurlanksy writes of the scene that the director, Steven Spielberg, essentially “argues that ignoring the Geneva Conventions and murdering prisoners of war is a reasonable act since the enemy was so insidious”.

Kurlansky adds organized, institutional religion to the list of war profiteers, and in particular skewers the Catholic church. The early followers of Jesus were strict adherents to non-violence, and were actively recruiting converts. As they found increased success in persuading Roman soldiers to put down their arms, the Roman Emperor Constantine (AD 306 – 337) realized he had an opportunity: If he recognized and supported Christianity rather than fighting against it, he could subvert Christ’s powerful message. In October of 312, the evening before he was to lead his army in a fight against a rival, Constantine – perhaps the greatest example of Hedges’ “mythmakers” – was said to have had a dream where Christ commanded him to fight under the sign of the cross. The next day, at what would be known at the Battle of Milvian Bridge, Constantine’s army fought with the sign of the cross painted on their shields. Their subsequent victory emplaced Constantine “as a ruler of the western half of the Roman Empire, but also establish(ed) a new role for the Christian and for Christ, a God who now would not only sanction killing but would take sides to help one band of killers triumph over another”. Constantine’s timely conversion to Christianity gave tacit permission to conscript Jesus’s followers while simultaneously pushing the movement away from non-violence. War and the Christian church have rarely been separated since.

This conflation of religion, war, power, and politics implies that war itself is not a force that gives us meaning. Rather, it is the idea of being part of some amorphous “greater good” that creates this façade. Meaning is achievable through war, perhaps even exclusively – at least an elevated sense of meaning. One might go even further back in history to find examples of the political influence in creating this myth: In the Book of John, the New Testament tells us that “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Evidence that the Gospel of John was written at a time of increased tensions between Jews and Christians provides insight and context. Creating an ideal of a “greater good” for which one was willing to sacrifice one’s own life is one way to create inseparable bonds. It is also an ideal way to build an army.

It is here, with this idea of being part of a greater good, where Hedges’ allusions to the elevated humanness that war provides comes into conflict with war as a force that gives us meaning. Hedges asserts that “[m]any of us, restless and unfulfilled, see no supreme worth in our lives. We want more out of life. And war, at least, gives us a sense that we can rise above our smallness and divisiveness”.

Hedges draws definitive lines in laying blame. Power brokers and mythmakers are on one side, on the other are those “restless and unfilled” who see no supreme self-worth until they find it in armed conflict. We are all at fault here, even as supporters or spectators. In Chapter 4, “The Seduction of Battle and the Perversion of War,” Hedges argues that the “successful anti-war novels and films are those…that eschew battle scenes and focus on the heartbreak of violence and slaughter”. As an example, Hedges cites Elsa Morante’s History: A Novel. Because she was writing as a woman, Hedges argues, Morante was “less able to identify with and be seduced by war and the allure of violence”. But then Hedges, well, hedges: “But in most wars women, if not engaged in the fighting, stand on the sidelines to cheer their men onward. Few are immune”. The image evokes the apocryphal directive of Gorgo, wife to Spartan King Leonidas, uttered during the movie 300. Gorgo calls out to Leonidas as he turns to leave his beloved wife and march his army of Spartan elites to face Xerxes and the Persian army at Thermopylae. “Spartan!” she says firmly and stoically. Leonidas turns to meet her gaze. “Come back with your shield,” she states, “or on it.” What man – cartoon, CGI, historical, or otherwise – could resist such testosterone-enabling drivel? Gorgo’s message is clear: Win or die trying.

In Sayings of Spartan Women (“Moralia”), Plutarch attributed the phrase not to Gorgo speaking to her husband, but rather a “fame unknown” mother speaking to her son: “Another (mother), as she handed her son his shield, exhorted him, saying, ‘Either this or upon this.’” Even this attribution could be propaganda. The Battle of Thermopylae was 480 BC, and Plutarch wrote Moralia nearly six hundred years later. The original source of the quote may be unclear, but this is Hedges’ point. War is false glory, and we are all complicit.

Hedge’s uniform assignment of blame is misleading and a bit undeveloped. We humans are complicit because we find an elevated sense of humanness in conflict, in fighting for our perception of “right,” our religion, our brothers and sisters in ethnicity, or even just trying to do something more exciting than our 9-to-5 job. If true, then surely those power brokers and mythmakers who relish war not for a sense of meaning but rather one of gaining or consolidating power are more complicit. These catalysts are motivated not by glory and meaning, but by greed, by arrogance, by narcissism.

Hedge’s condemnation of war’s power brokers isn’t new. Nick Turse, an investigative reporter, provides details sickening both in hideousness and gratuity in his seminal work on American indulgence, Kill Anything That Moves: The Real American War in Vietnam. Though Turse identifies brutalities from individual soldiers, it is American politicians, media, and the military industrial complex that are rightly excoriated. American servicemembers commit a long list of atrocities, but Turse leaves their individual motivations for some later analysis. It is the state and its politicians, with their interminable focus on “body count” in the Vietnam War (or for the Vietnamese, the Resistance War Against the United States) who are at fault for the despicable acts we humans do to one another.

Some of Hedge’s most salient points are made less emotionally by Sebastian Junger in Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging. Written as an expanded version of a magazine article titled “How PTSD Became a Problem Far Beyond the Battlefield,” the book is a distillation of Junger’s twenty-year experience with war. Junger spent significant time, some of it under fire, with young American soldiers in conflict during the war in Afghanistan. His experience birthed a prolific outpouring of both film and the written word, including three movies (Restrepo, Korengal, and The Last Patrol) and at least two books (Tribe and War). Though Junger’s writing feels more dispassionate than Hedges’, his experience was no less personal – Junger lost a good friend and collaborator, Tim Hetherington, to the 2011 conflict in Libya.

The two writers’ observations are consistent, though War Is a Force seems to focus on the despicability of powerful men and institutions in conflict, while Tribe actually speaks to the collective feelings of togetherness, patriotism, optimism, and meaning that Hedges professes to write about. In a chapter titled “War Makes You an Animal,” Junger poses the conflict of what the state does compared to what the human does, in the context of pre-World War II:

“No one knew how a civilian population would react (to the trauma of losing 35,000 civilians a day), but the Churchill government assumed the worst. So poor was their opinion of the populace—particularly the working-class people of East London—that emergency planners were reluctant to even build public bomb shelters because they worried people would move into them and simply never move out…[n]othing could have been further from the truth.”

Junger elaborates, using an interview from a woman who was there at the time. “We would have done anything—anything—to stop (the Germans)”. British civilian deaths in World War II not only “failed to produce mass hysteria,” but the ever-present danger of bombing may have contributed to a decline in psychiatric breakdowns. “Chronic neurotics of peacetime now drive ambulances,” reported one doctor who Junger cites.

Here is the real force that gives us meaning: belonging, purpose, self-preservation, and a meaningful contribution to the preservation of others. War, perhaps, need not be the catalyst. But we don’t choose our baggage, and the writer often focuses on what she knows. Hedges’ baggage and knowledge focus on conflict and meaning, the melding of his two backgrounds in religion and war reporting, so a lengthy philosophical discourse on gaining meaning from conflict is not unreasonable.

Hedges does dutifully and thoroughly dismantle the romanticism of war, but the impact is minimized by his focus on how conflict’s direness – the hidden engine of war’s romanticism – provides the very meaning we desire. His experience is limited to “modern” warfare, but my own experience provides an alternate explanation. Though I served in the American army in conflicts overseas, I did not experience war as a force that gave me meaning. Perhaps I didn’t suffer enough. Perhaps I didn’t witness, first-hand, the depravity of war, or retained some skepticism of the utility of the wars in which I served. Perhaps I lacked that transformative experience of fighting for my freedom on my own land. None of this denied me the opportunity to find joy and meaning in my chosen profession; none of it increased my desire to realize John the Apostle’s greatest love and lay down my life for my friends. Though I would die for my friends, I thought I could both express and realize my love for friends better while I was living.

There also exist countering examples of “meaning” in history. In 350 BC, Aristotle suggested, in Nicomachean Ethics, that meaning might not be found in the crucible of Hedges’ modern conflict. Hedges suggests that war’s unwitting and unwilling participants are subjected to acute trauma and violence. Aristotle writes, instead, that meaning in one’s life is a slow drip. “One swallow does not make a summer,” Aristotle wrote, “nor does one day; and so too one day, or in a short time, does not make a man blessed or happy”. Aristotle was writing of eduaimonia, something close to happiness but deeper and more expansive. It is not simply living a “good life” in the Epicurean mold, but rather living a good life through virtue and acting virtuously. In the context of warfare, the professor Charles McNamara suggests this would be exemplified by exhibiting an amount of courage “between the extremes of cowardice and rashness.” Hedges chalks this up as one path to meaning, but a path that risks devaluing the emotion. Meaning implies positivity, a will to not only live, but to live well. This is Aristotle’s eduaimonia. We might stretch it to include simple happiness, or pursuing “meaning” as a path to that happiness (or, contrarily, happiness as a path to meaning).

Aristotle’s claim that a swallow does not make a summer has been much dissected. The writer and philosopher Paul Farwell, in Aristotle and the Complete Life, contemplates that Aristotle is unclear as to whether he means quantity or quality. Does a high number of good events lead to happiness, to meaning? Or is it something that adheres more closely to Hedges’ implication that it is the quality of an event, the ability of a thing to evoke emotion in us, that leads to meaning? Aristotle, according to Farwell, might mean “a happy life possesses a complete number of things” (friends, family, meaningful endeavors, objects) or “a complete time span, perhaps an entire life or at least the better part of one”. This notion of “completeness” of a life expands upon both Aristotle’s ideas on meaning as well as Hedges’. “(C)omplete virtue needs a complete life,” Farwell writes, “because virtuous activities need time to develop and to express themselves fully”. We may take liberties in comparing Aristotle’s “virtue” and Hedges’ “meaning” to mean the same thing. War, or at least the traumatic experiences Hedges would assert give us meaning, is quick. It is the heightened emotion of the traumatic moment that provides a benchmark against which we can compare our drab, daily lives, and whether there is meaning to be found there. Farwell, via Aristotle, might argue that we can experience loss, sacrifice, trauma, etc., but that virtue – the true test of meaning – requires time, repetition, opportunity, and the test of how we might act when someone isn’t watching. Farwell also points out that virtue “takes practice” and that is unlikely to be achieved in a short period of time. “To become courageous or self-controlled we must experience a number of situations that inspire fear or pleasure until the proper disposition becomes second-nature”. To show courage in battle, Farwell adds, “is closely associated with putting on armor and rushing the enemy. Nevertheless, we should keep in mind that certain features of any virtuous activity are continuous throughout the activity – in particular, the agent’s disposition toward his feelings and his choosing the action for the sake of a noble end”.

We do find recent cultural examples that align more closely to Hedges’ theory, though his notion that the darkest days provide the most meaning remains absent. The Absaroka, a tribe of Plains Indians, trace their history to what is now modern-day Ohio. Pushed west by other tribes, the Absaroka – known to contemporary Europeans and modern-day Americans as the Crow – eventually settled in the Yellowstone Valley in Montana and Wyoming. The Crow lived for war. It defined their existence. In Radical Hope: Ethics in the Face of Cultural Devastation, author Jonathan Lear quotes Robert Lowie, an anthropologist, who wrote of the Crow that “War was not the concern of a class nor even of the male sex, but of the whole population, from cradle to grave”. Lear elaborates, citing the use of the “coup stick” as paradigmatic of Crow culture. A coup stick planted in the ground delineated territory – the trespass of which merited violent response – while a coup stick touched upon an enemy in battle was the height of Crow bravery, and thusly of Crow culture. Contrary to Hedges’ bands of power brokers and mythmakers, where the few shape the potential “meaning” (or misery) for the many, Lear argues that conflict is the Crow’s culture. The Crow raise the possibility that war might in fact provide meaning when the entire civilization agrees upon, and culturally enforces, war as the main force providing the meaning.

The muse for Lear’s fascinating book is Plenty Coups, a Crow leader who lived from 1848–1932, and was perhaps the only native chief to successfully navigate his tribe through the cultural and existential devastation white Americans imposed on North America’s native populations. The Crow aligned with US forces to increase their odds of survival in their wars with the Sioux, but eventually were relegated to reservations like all other native tribes. Lear examines Plenty Coups’ ability as a leader, using as his base one simple sentence uttered by Plenty Coups during an interview with a biographer, who was asking about the Crow’s move from freedom to restraint: After this, nothing happened.

Warfare was so ingrained into Plenty Coups and Crow culture that the move to a reservation meant, quite literally for the Crow, that once they were denied their ability to engage in armed conflict with the Sioux, to steal their horses, to count individual coups on Sioux warriors, nothing happened. “Humans are by nature cultural animals,” Lear writes, “we necessarily inhabit a way of life that is expressed in a culture…as participants, we inherit a vulnerability. Should that way of life break down, that is our problem”.

Lear doesn’t necessarily focus on Plenty Coups and the Crow experience, but rather uses it to keep us grounded in trying to understand our own experience. Radical Hope is, at its heart, a short but dense philosophical book on ethics, community, and resilience. Lear quotes the anthropologist Marshall Sahlins early in Radical Hope: “An event becomes such as it is interpreted. Only as it is appropriated in and through a cultural scheme does it acquire historical significance”. Lear pursues answers to the questions of not only how a culture collapses, but how we should live with that collapse, how we should live with even the possibility of collapse. His answer is what he calls “radical hope,” or a hope “directed toward a future goodness that transcends the current ability to understand what it is. Radical hope anticipates a good for which those who have the hope as yet lack the appropriate concepts with which to understand it”.

Hope for Plenty Coups, and for us, Lear argues, was and is “intimately bound to the question of how to live”. This radical hope is different than “mere optimism”; rather, it is a manifestation of courage, of human excellence. Courage, writes Lear, “is the capacity for living well with the risks that inevitably attend human existence” (emphasis added). This is Aristotle manifested in a warring culture, not Hedges’ modern warfare. The difference is that war for the Crow is the culture, while modern warfare is a means to reach a cultural ends – power, money, prestige, territory. When viewed through Plenty Coups’ lens, the contemporary reader might interpret war not as trauma, but as culture; not just as a way of life, but a way of living Aristotle’s “good life.” Taken to a logical conclusion, the absence of war for the Crow was itself trauma, and one without meaning.

This notion elaborated upon might emphasize Hedges’ central point. If our daily life in today’s world is boring and unfulfilling, then one marked by violence might provide us opportunities to experience meaning and relevance, whether it’s façade or foundation. But in Plenty Coups’ world, daily life is filled only with meaning – not only one of survival in ensuring food, clothing, and shelter, but one of existential and spiritual survival through combat, or the threat of combat, with an enemy. Further, that existential and spiritual survival, because the entire community is vested in it, becomes one with cultural implications as well.

­­­­­­In War Is a Force, Hedges rarely differentiates between the wartime experiences of hunted or prey; of intentional or unintended targets (what the American military used to refer to as “collateral damage”). We all experience trauma, therefore we all experience heightened emotions and humanness, therefore we all experience “meaning.” This is a gross oversight. The experiences of war, where they are different than the mundanity of a daily life, might provide context as to the type of heightened emotions one might experience to better understand there is more to life. But to suggest that being victimized might possibly give us “meaning” is shortsighted. Any such argument conveniently ignores war orphans, the weaponization of rape and sexual assault and the witnessing of such crimes, and post-traumatic stress in combatants, to name a few.

There is an alternative argument to Hedges, Plenty Coups, and Aristotle alike, and one equally supportable: It’s all bullshit. George Bernard Shaw, in his 1894 romcom Arms and the Man, says as much. Sergius, a Bulgarian aristocrat, is a hero in the Byron mold. He’s a swashbuckler, filled with notions of leading cavalry charges and soliciting saber duels to defend one’s honor. He’s ostensibly betrothed to Raina, daughter to Catherine and Petkoff, a buffoonish but kind and wealthy dilettante. All profess clear opinions on bravery, honor, and station: “Can’t you see it, Raina,” Catherine tells her daughter, “our gallant splendid Bulgarians with their swords and eyes flashing, thundering down like avalanche and scattering the wretched Servian dandies like chaff…oh, if you have a drop of Bulgarian blood in your veins, you will worship (Sergius) when he comes back”.

What none of them know – neither Catherine, Raina, nor Sergius, who conducted the cavalry charge – was that the wretched Servians had no ammunition. If they had, Sergius and his Bulgarians would have been slaughtered. The one character who does know is Blunthschli, who is introduced first as a ragged, dirty coward, fleeing from the pursuing Russians, but later revealed as a Swiss hotel magnate. Shaw ultimately develops Blunthschli as a professional soldier – a survivor – but he also appears as two extremes: The coward and the businessman. Neither, Hedges might argue, have experienced the force of war as one that provides meaning.

All are hypocrites. “I am no longer a soldier,” says Sergius. “Soldiering…is the coward’s art of attacking mercilessly when you are strong, and keeping out of harm’s way when you are weak.” Never, adds Sergius, fight your enemy on equal terms. Sergius, of course, is cheating on his fiancé with Louka, the maid, and doing so in broad daylight and under the noses of Raina and her parents.

Only Bluntschli, he with a dearth of honor and romantic notions of bravery but a surfeit of common sense, escapes Shaw’s satire. It is Bluntschli who provides us the anti-hero to Hedges. He carries chocolate into battle instead of rifle cartridges; tells Raina it is a soldier’s job to live as long as possible while killing as much of the enemy as one can; and when Sergius requests a saber duel, replies that if he goes, he’ll arrive with a machine gun.

It is a late exchange between Bluntschli and Sergius that provides the best antidote to Hedges’ notions of meaning. Sergius, learning that Raina had observed him in flagrante delicto with the maid Louka, declares “Our romance is shattered. Life’s a farce.” Bluntschli ridicules Sergius, telling him he’s an amateur who thinks “fighting’s an amusement”. The insult has restored Sergius – he’s quite dramatic – who then tells Bluntschli he now refuses to duel him because “it takes two men – real men – men of heart, blood and honor—to make genuine combat.” Bluntschli has the last word, perhaps for Shaw as well as in response to Hedges’: “Now that you’ve found that life isn’t a farce, but something quite sensible and serious, what further obstacle is there to your happiness?”.

Preach: An Interview

The TL/DR: A podcast interview with Jay Morse. Listen to it here.

I like the written word. Few things provide me as much angst and joy. Love, perhaps. Or things confused with love, like a boyhood crush or the potential for adoration or my childhood relationship with the Oakland Raiders (or my adult relationship with golf). I like the spoken word too, though it offers less opportunity for revision: The written word is always available for change, modification, reflection. The spoken word less so. There are no do-overs, no take-backsies (Wicktionary: “Childish. The act of taking back, or going back on one’s word, promise or gift.” Sounds pretty adultish to me).

My grandfather, in his later years, kept a giant cordless phone in his back pocket. He’d occasionally misdial his daughters, tactile speed dial buttons responsive to some configuration of his gait, or when bending to feed his third or fourth installation of Brutus, his dachshund. You could hear him padding around the house in his leather and fleece Walmart slippers, talking to himself, or his dog, or his wife, dead for a decade by that point. The television volume cranked, his double-wide trailer filled with sound, masking his daughter’s yelling on the other end of the line.

Not so for me: My days are filled with silence. I sometimes play a game, seeing how long I can go after waking up without speaking a word, without hearing the spoken word (I make accommodations for the singing one; Nina Simone is currently seducing me with words of summertime while I watch snow fall through my window. Angst. Joy). The silence allows me to think (or the thinking allows silence), to revise words and feelings and thoughts in my head, neurotransmitters firing like a solar storm, my brain seemingly never still. The problem, of course, is when my tongue is unloosed. Because sometimes I have shit to say. That’s a long windup, a burying of the lede if you will, to this: my brief interview on Overcoming Adversity, a topic about which I definitely have some shit to say.

A Letter to my Hacker(s), You Shameless Scamp(s)

I thought for sure it was you, Eric. You’ve been hounding me for years, begging me to buy your things, your lengthy comments to every one of my blog posts sucking me in with a compliment but then quickly shifting to trying to sell me whatever it is you’re selling. I don’t even need those things, Eric. Yet you put so much into your sales pitch, way more than Kelli, she of the toenail clippers with a capital T capital C, assuring me her product – 60% OFF! – would cut “winding nails, hard nails, two nails, nail cracks, deep nails, thickened nails”, a Bubba Gump of Toenail Clippers. What even are “two nails”, Eric? Do you know? I picture convex keratin like a double-decker bus, the dirt and grime between nail one and nail two thick like the residue of a Northern California mudslide. Or “winding nails”. In what part of the world does Kelli live, Eric, where toenails grow in spirals like a nautilus? It must be a magical place to have toenails that grow in spirals. Like Zanzibar. Or a Guillermo del Toro movie set, or a remote Balinese coastline, yet undiscovered by white men.

Why can’t you be like Rosella, Eric? She, at least, has clearly done her homework. “Have you ever wanted to change the color of your swim shorts without having to buy a new pair?” FUCK YES I HAVE ROSELLA. Have you seen my shorts drawer? How I seethe each time I don my boring, royal blue Columbia™ swim trunks, not quite board shorts but still a modest 9” inseam? It’s like Rosella’s watching me dress, Eric. Unfortunately for Rosella, I recently purchased a pair of pink swim trunks – SEVEN INCH INSEAM! – with white fish skeletons swimming from my left thigh to my right. I plan to tell people they’re Ichthyosaurs, which as you know, Eric, are Nevada’s state fossil. Does your shitty state even have a state fossil Eric? Probably not.

And Yolanda, Eric! Yolanda clearly knows I’m at my computer hours a day, trying my best to write non-garbage, my trapezius…es…i… throbbing equally from my tensioned writer’s block as well as from hammering away on my keyboard in fits of trying to get the words in my head onto paper before I forget them. “I understand that you are looking for ways to improve your posture and contribute to a healthy lifestyle,” Yolanda tells me. “I think our product, Medico Postura™ Body Posture Corrector, can be of great help.” Perhaps, Yolanda. But I’m not encouraged by the customer comments, especially Lillac from Vancouver, who says, “I never would have thought that correcting my posture would relieve excessive pressure off my whale back and hips!”, and now I’m concerned about Lillac’s whale back (and whales don’t have hips, Lillac). What even is this, this ‘whale back’? Does Lillac have a dorsal fin? A blowhole, Eric?

I’m considering connecting Lillac with Bonny or Annett, as Lillac, with her whale back, seems to be more in their target audience. Bonny is selling a “Full Body Resistance Band Kit” – it is unclear if it comes in size whale – while Annett has the “Worlds Greatest Magic Sand Free Beach Mat!” Aside from the perplexing lack of commas – is it Magic Sand, Annett? Sand Free? or a Free Beach Mat? – I’m also distracted by the lack of an “e” at the end of Annett’s name. Do you think, Eric, she pronounces her name in the traditional “Ann-ette”? Or has she chosen the more aggressive “Annit”, like you might hear when debating a roguish Londoner: Crikey, it’s shite for a bird to have a whale back, innit?

At least, Eric, you’ve paid more attention to my blog than Rueben, Elouise, and Martin, who would like my money in exchange for a) a personalized dog harness, where Rueben has “had a lot of success with it so far and I think your dog would love it”; b) a dog dental care brushing stick; or c) the “PawSafer™”, where I can ‘SAFELY TRIM YOUR DOG’S NAILS IN NO TIME FROM HOME.’

Rueben, Martin, and Elouise presume my dog is still alive, Eric, when in fact my dog is dead. DEAD, ERIC. I loved that big dumb dog. I personally put him down – well not really, not like a true frontiersman where I would have taken him out to the Back Forty and given him some lead drops in his ear, crying over him like George whacking Lennie in the back of the head like a mafia hit Jesus in hindsight that was a traumatic and probably unnecessary twist, couldn’t George have talked Curley and the mob down off the ledge instead of shooting his dumb dog friend in the back of the head? – but I did give the vet the green light to put Mojo (PBUH) down. Man that sucked. Rueben, et al, would have known this if they’d taken the time to read my blog. It goes without saying, Eric, that I will be buying neither a personalized dog harness nor a dog dental care brushing kit nor the PawSafer – TM – from Rueben, Martin, or Elouise.

I am, however, considering buying a ‘kitchen opener’ from Aliyah, even though Aliyah clearly means to ease my opening not of kitchens, but of Jars and Bottles. And though I have never been strained or frustrated, Eric, when Opening Jars & Bottles – my god why do you people capitalize everything? – I do have a significant amount of white guilt, even though I’m half Mexican, and even though part of that Mexicanness is Lebanese. My therapist says that me calling it “guilt” is just accessible terminology left over from my Catholic youth, and what I really mean is “white savior”, which makes sense because Aliyah sounds like she might be from the Middle East and I want to assist in her Search For a Better Life. Aliyah could be a Hebrew name, but it’s also the feminine of ‘Ali’, which is most definitely not Hebrew, and either way I feel compelled to help her out. And that’s definitely not racist, Eric.

Did I mention Dong, who is selling the same product as Yolanda? It doesn’t matter, Eric. Saying the name “Dong” out loud – and I’m three glasses of wine in at this point – makes me giggle. Dong. Whale back. Dong.

To the person who did not leave their name: I’m sorry, but I have not shopped at Vapor Bank E-Cig shop at 585 East Los Angeles Avenue Suite G. And to your friend, who also did not leave their name: I do not have any suggestions on how to get New Hairstyles listed in Yahoo! News, which makes me sad because a) I hate disappointing people, and b) I LOVE Yahoo! News. I mean even the exclamation point after Yahoo!! (TWO exclamation points Eric! Though the second one, to be fair, is mine). What genius made that happen?

YAHOO MARKETING PLAY-IT-SAFE GUY: “I don’t think ‘yahoo news’ is even a full sentence, and I’m uncomfortable with any punctuation, let alone an exclamation point, appearing in any form in our logo.”

YAHOO! MARKETING GENIUS: “You are weak and should be fired for your lack of bravery. This is yahoo. Yahoo! We shall scream YAHOO! from the digital rooftops, to such an extent that it is clear the written form of our company’s name includes an exclamation point. You may, however, say ‘news’ normally and without emphasis.”

Yahoo! News – and this is me talking again Eric, not my imaginary marketing genius – has the best, THE BEST, headlines. Like “Topless Woman Attempted to Ride a Lost Dolphin Trying to Find its Way Back to Sea”, or “I’m an Autistic Sex Worker, and Here’s why it Works for Me”, or “Home Inspector Allegedly Caught on Video ‘pleasuring himself’ with Elmo Doll”. Or, Eric, if you’d like something more in the zeitgeist, “Did Cardi B Fart During her Grammy Performance?”

I bet, nameless person inquiring about how to get New Hairstyles listed in Yahoo! News, if you could convince Cardi B to fart while riding, topless, a misoriented dolphin, and having either of them wearing one of your New Hairstyles, you might at least make it to Internet page 2.

After all that, Eric, it turns out you’re not my hacker. I should have known, as your sentences are boring. BO-ring. My hacker, on the other hand, strung together an amazing sequence of words that resulted in “After giving him some time to cope with his cat passing away, he made plans to see her again and she was thrilled. He canceled the date last minute again because he said his grandma had died.” Two deaths, Eric, in just two sentences! Who would not cancel a date after these emotional setbacks?

I’m sorry I thought you were my hacker, Eric, but I’m wondering if you might help me? It turns out that the article fraudulently posted on my webpage, “Best Dating Sites for Over 50”, has been posted on 11,300 other webpages. Can you connect me with the author? I’d like to know how I can spam 11,000 people with my drivel.

All the best,
Jay

P.S.: To Julian: I am not in a position to recommend Spreader Bars, and I know not the best state to get lingerie. But I’d suggest you start with Florida.

Annapolis

Originally published at The Forge Literary Magazine

The first time I see the little girl, she is in a photograph. A closed room, a field medical tent on an American military outpost in a dusty farming village. Canvas walls and fluorescent white tube lights and plywood furniture and, in the center of the photograph, American soldiers in surgical masks and purple nitrile gloves. Her name and age unknown to them, they guess: She is seven, or eight. Maybe twelve. They call her Annapolis.

The picture I hold is grainy and blurred, as if everyone is in motion. An image of chaos. There: a doctor in motion, hovering over a patient, intubating. A medic in motion, passing a piece of equipment to the doctor. A shirtless boy in motion, supine on a stretcher, hands at his sides pushing off the table, his head raised. Everyone in motion but her. She is still, off to the side wrapped in a warming blanket, lying on a litter. An afterthought. I pull the picture closer to my eyes, focusing on her. I see pieces of her skull and brain matted into her dark black hair, blood smeared on the silver metallized mylar.

Later, I ask the doctor about this picture. He explains to me what was happening, and what he was doing, the instructions he was giving, how the young boy was moaning and the old man was crying and screaming for God. Afterwards, each time I look at the picture, it comes to life. Like the photograph is theater and I am audience. I see the doctor, I hear his instructions to the medic. I hear the young boy’s groans. I hear the old man’s prayers to Allah. I hear everyone but her; she is silent, by herself, stage right.

They are here because an American soldier, under cover of darkness and a silent sky, left his remote base and walked over dirt roads and through fallow grape fields to the old man’s house, where the American shot the old man in the neck and the young boy in the legs and her – her he shot in the head. He pulled a trigger and a bullet left his pistol and entered her forehead and then exited out the back, taking much with it. Now on her stretcher, under the bombardment of mercury vapor lights, the doctor assessed Annapolis, declared her “expectant”, and then the medic moved her off to the side, out of the way, and I imagine her asking what is going on and a translator leaning down, whispering into her ear, he says you are going to die.

The first time I see her in person, she is in a hospital. A real one. She has been here for three weeks, a patient in an intensive care unit at an American base on the outskirts of Kandahar. Her metallic mylar warming blanket gone, she is now draped in white cotton sheets. Connected to modern equipment. Behind her a black-screened monitor of clear, bright numbers. Steady. A scrolling silhouette of sleek, fluorescent green mountains impossible to climb: a normal heartbeat. Clean ivory walls surround her. There are American soldiers wearing camouflage pants and medical smocks in that shade of blue seemingly reserved exclusively for hospital rooms. And now the imaginary play in my head, this theater, has become not only real but interactive: I’ve been pulled from the audience. I am to play the role of attorney. I am a lawyer in the American army, chosen to prosecute an American soldier. To seek justice for her. As if there is someone or some thing that possesses the authority to issue a correction. A do-over. To erase that night, to put the American soldier back onto his base and back into his own bed instead of rousting this little girl from hers. And her: She is no longer filling the role of Afterthought, no longer stage right. She is center stage, lying on a gurney, slightly reclined. Small and thin. A human child in three dimensions. There are others in the room. Other patients. Doctors and medics. Bit characters, grainy and faceless. She is in hyper focus. Her head is misshapen and her dark black hair shorn, a long surgical scar visible against her brown skin. Her tongue so swollen her mouth can’t close. The doctor tells me I think she will make it. I wonder what this means, to “make it”, where this phrase comes from. To make what? A full recovery? To make it to adolescence? Or, simply, to make it, to survive. A not-dead human being.

The next time I see her she is awake. It is a month later, two months. She is in a hospital bed, lying on her side, her dark black hair grown slightly, now messy and spiked. Her own room. The lights are off. Someone has placed a small television in front of her open eyes. She is staring at Dora the Explorer, a cartoon girl with brown skin and short, dark black hair. Dora travels the world wearing a magic purple backpack and overcoming contrived obstacles: A fox who steals from others, a troll who refuses to let her pass. Annapolis stares at Dora, I stare at Annapolis. The cartoon reflects on her face. Blurry. I watch her for a moment, her watching Dora and me watching the soft colors brush across her cheeks. Her body: still. Hyper focused. She blinks and shifts her eyes up to mine, holds them there. She blinks again and her gaze returns to Dora. I want to whisper in her ear you are going to make it, but think only about what has been stolen from her, what future riddles she must solve.

Waking the Grand Wizard

Part II

Between 2010 and 2011, I was the Staff Judge Advocate at Fort Campbell, Kentucky. The base’s legal headquarters was located on Forrest Road, named after famed Confederate general Nathan Bedford Forrest. This, to understate it, rubbed me the wrong way. I attempted to change the road’s name, and was unsuccessful. My successor, one of my best friends and a black man, attempted to change the road’s name as well. I thought, shamelessly, there’s no way he will be denied. He too was unsuccessful. America, over the last few years, has dealt with our adulation of Confederate leaders, something that has always been an incongruity to me. How did we not see the dissonance in minority service members walking on parade fields, driving on roads, sleeping in barracks, and serving on bases named after men who would have them enslaved? The removal, tearing down, and defacing of Confederate statues was polarizing. Some saw it as long-overdue; some saw it as “woke” culture gone too far. That the latter would rarely seek to understand how these base names and statues came to be in the first place was, for me, frustratingly ignorant: Their construction rarely had to do with culture, heritage, or history. Rather, they were built and named in an attempt to pander to the Southern population and its politicians – most of the statues glorifying confederate leaders, or bases named to honor them, were in backlash to the Jim Crow era of segregation; in response to the Civil Rights movement; a barter to get cheap land for new military bases or more recruits from Southern states in the time period around our two world wars. History is not a monolith but a shapeshifter, and its true form often reveals itself simply when asked.

Two days ago, the Department of Defense released a list of more than 750 names at US installations around the world, all of which memorialized the Confederacy in some way, and all of which are under consideration for renaming or removal. Among them: Forrest Road at Fort Campbell Kentucky.

The below essay was originally posted February 1, 2010. It is reposted today in edited form.

Waking the Grand Wizard (Part I)

One hundred and ninety years ago, in a battered shack in a central Tennessee basin splotched by canebrake and bluestemmed barrens and teeming with dogwood, red oak, and poplar-treed expanses, young Marian, wife to blacksmith and subsistence farmer William Forrest, gave birth to twins. The couple named the second of the two children Fanny. The first, a boy, they called Nathan. Ten more offspring would follow, with an equal amount of tragedy not far behind.

William was unsuited for working both metal and earth. After spoiling his own father’s riches, William took his young flock to Mississippi to be closer to family, trying to alchemist his way from poor son to prodigal. He did not succeed. Nathan, now a thirteen-year-old, quickly found himself paterfamilias, his father dead from the residual effects of tuberculosis or scarlet fever. Or maybe the yellow kind. The color of one’s demon doesn’t matter much when everyone nearby is dying. Nathan contracted the disease as well, but survived. Five of his eleven siblings, his twin sister Fanny included, would not be so lucky. Possessing only a rudimentary education but already a sturdy lad, Nathan quit school and went to work to support his winnowed family.

Nathan was a resourceful, aggressive kid. At six feet two inches and a lean one hundred eighty pounds, he was also big for the times. A target, perhaps. At twenty he laid foundation for his future fable when he shot and killed two men and injured two others, all the brothers Matlock. Word spread that Nathan killed two of the brothers with a single bullet each from his two-shot pistol; he injured the other two after a bystander tossed him a knife. Apocryphal or not, Nathan was quite obviously a man of action. He took over his uncle’s livery and livestock business, married, moved to Memphis, and built an empire through dealing cotton, livestock, real estate, and slaves. By 1859, Nathan was retired and had in his possession well over one million dollars. Using the Consumer Price Index, that’s twenty-seven million dollars in 2010 money. Under the more bourgeois “Relative Share of Gross Domestic Product” scale, Mr. Forrest was worth a cool three billion, putting him just south of Misters Gates and Buffett on the Forbes list of the world’s richest men.

In November of 1860, America elected Abraham Lincoln its sixteenth president. Barely a month and a half later South Carolina, fearing the abolition of slavery, seceded from the Union. Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas quickly followed, and by April 12, 1861, relations between the Union and the seven Confederate states had degenerated to an armed stand-off at Charleston. Mr. Edmund Ruffin, a scholarly 67-year-old farmer from Virginia, attempted to speed things along by pulling a lanyard that lit a fuse which then lobbed a mortar round from Fort Johnson, over Charleston Harbor, and into the Union-occupied Fort Sumter. The stalemate thus resolved, the Civil War began.

Between April 17 and May 20, Virginia, Arkansas, and North Carolina seceded. On June 8, 1861, Tennesseans voted 2-to-1 to join suit. By mid-July, billionaire Nathan Forrest enlisted as a private in the Tennessee Mounted Rifles. Four years later he was a three-star general, had been directly engaged with and fired upon by enemy forces almost one hundred and eighty times, taken over 31,000 prisoners, cemented his status as World’s Greatest Cavalryman, ordered or condoned the wholesale slaughter of surrendering and defenseless black Union soldiers at Fort Pillow, Tennessee, and uttered the timeless adage “war means killing, and the way to kill is to get there first with the most men.” Lesser known, but of great importance to this story, are his post-Civil War activities: Nathan Bedford Forrest was the first Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.

Here is how I begin each morning in this, the autumn of 2010: I leave my house in Tennessee at 5:30 am, enter Interstate 24 at Exit 1, ensuring I stay left to avoid the tractor-trailers parked overnight in the narrow shoulder. I head west to Exit 86, now crossing into Kentucky, then drive south on Highway 41A amidst the closest thing we have to rush hour traffic as soldiers old and young hurry to morning formation at Fort Campbell, Kentucky. Across the street from Jenna’s Toy Box, recently placed on the off-limits list by the Commanding General not for their extensive porn-and-bong collection, but rather for their equally extensive synthetic marijuana offerings, I make a right through Gate 5 and onto the army base. I’m allowed through only after showing my identification card to, more often than not, the contracted security guard and advice-dispensing Mr. Williams (staples: “Stay dry now!”, or “Keep smilin’, you almost made it to Friday!”). From beginning to end, the road at Gate 5 – Forrest Road – is just nine-tenths of a mile.

The nine-tenths is inconsequential. What is deeply troubling is that my office is here, on Forrest Road. The Office of the Staff Judge Advocate, the base’s legal heartbeat, its moral compass, the place where I spend at least sixty hours a week doing my best to lead, guide, and mentor fairness, integrity, and, hopefully, justice. I do so from my desk at about the half-way point of Forrest Road, named after a man who achieved vast wealth on the backs of enslaved black men, women, and children; dedicated four years of his life fighting against America; then headed up a new organization that would spend the next century and a half inciting violence against just about anyone who wasn’t white and Christian.

Aside from this short, nondescript road at Fort Campbell, Nathan Bedford Forrest is memorialized by, at a minimum, a town in Arkansas; a county in Mississippi; high schools in Tennessee and Florida; a park; a university building; monuments in Nashville; Selma, Alabama; and Rome, Georgia; over thirty historical markers throughout the state of Tennessee; and at least one figure in pop culture (run, Forrest). He is a favored Son of Tennessee and of the South, and is remembered accordingly.

What he does not have is any connection to Fort Campbell, nor to any unit ever garrisoned here. The famed Screaming Eagles of the 101st Airborne Division owe their lineage to, of all things, a Union unit from Wisconsin. No part of Forrest Road touches Tennessee earth. Nathan Bedford Forrest has no connection to the United States Army, even, other than taking up arms against it.

I want the road name changed. It is an affront, a blaspheme, a slur. A defile. A desecration. Sacrilege. Mumbai was once Bombay; Volgograd Stalingrad; Istanbul Constantinople. Kirk Douglas was Issur Danielovitch; Miley Cyrus, Destiny Hope; Russell Jones (RIP) Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Dirt McGirt, Big Baby Jesus, Joe Bananas, and, fleetingly, the Old Dirty Chinese Restaurant. Entire cities and flesh-and-blood human beings change their names; it should be a minor inconvenience to rename a mile-long stretch of asphalt on an American army base.

I try. I marshal support, rally the troops, compose brilliant, concise, persuasive, outrage-barely-bridled emails. Like I’m a posh Brit: The condescension is there, but no one can specifically pinpoint it. I compose a list of people and places who might better represent our values and the 101st Airborne’s history. Colin Powell Road, Bagram Airfield Road, General Maxwell Taylor Road. I demur in my official memos, writing not what I think – Forrest was a murderer and slave-trading fuck and we should be ashamed we have a road named after him – but rather what I think will work: “The means by which Lieutenant General Forrest accumulated his great wealth is incongruous with the values and moral code of today’s Army.”

I’m told I need the support of the base historian. My previous experience with this gentleman was during a private tour of the museum, where he relayed to our group that the museum’s non-profit foundation used “wives of Special Forces soldiers as models for the female soldier mannequins because we couldn’t find any women heroes”. I present my case to him in his office, his troll cave, his shame attic. When I am finished he all but calls me a commie feminist liberal homosexual. Yesss, I whisper in my head, I am whatever fulfills your repressed, innermost Freudian dreams. Just support this name change. He does not.

I am unsuccessful in changing the road’s name. I submitted an official request. There was a vote, a four-to-four tie, and the garrison commander – the tie-breaking vote, a man who had previously assured me that he supported my efforts – voted against the name change. Forrest Road becomes my white whale. One wit in my office has hung a portrait of the man himself above my desk. Forrest’s goateed chin stares down at me for days before I notice him. I try not to hate him, to find common ground. I try to see him as someone else, someone other than who he was. He is reputation not reality; he is a caricature; he is simply someone fully human. I Hollywoodize him, seeing Billy Connolly from Boondock Saints, Michael O’Keefe from Caddyshack, Michael Keaton with a goatee. Any Michael, really, anyone other than this traitorous racist twit on whose eponymously named road my mail is addressed.

A Moose Is Not an Axe Murderer

High Times in a Pandemic

My small second-story West Seattle apartment feels palatial. It has big west-facing picture windows and a disproportionately large deck and a beautiful view of the Puget Sound and Blake Island, which is riddled, I am told, with raccoons that run the joint like baby-fisted mafiosos. Partially cloudy evenings produce sunsets unpaintable; on clear summer days, I am treated to views of the Olympic Mountains, the perpetually snow-capped mounts Brothers and Ellinor and Washington rising in the distance and, were it possible to get up high with the occasional Bald eagle and ubiquitous seagull (there are nearly ten species in my area, but they annoy me such that I shall deprive them of their individuality), views of the coveted Mt. Anderson. There is a western red cedar just to the north of my apartment, home to a multi-generational family of western gray squirrels; they taunt me through my sliding glass door as they eviscerate bags of Kingsford Match Light charcoal, the sturdy paper of which they use to line their nests. The tree is close. Its branches feather my deck, and the big trunk is near enough that I can spit water on it. The targeted squirrels, however, are quick like, well, squirrels. The tree itself lilts with the wind funneled through the narrow walkway that separates my building from the vacant house next to it, its upper deck at eye-level to me. Once I was washing dishes at the kitchen sink and a juvenile Cooper’s hawk landed on the railing across from me, staring at me through the window like I was the concave side of a Golden Corral sneeze guard. I gingerly stepped out onto the porch to take a picture; the hawk buzzed me with the audacity of youth, leaving me with a camera phone image of what was quite mistakably a wingtip. In short, my apartment is Eden in 850 square feet.

That is, of course, in non-pandemic years. In 2020 my apartment is a veritable prison, though a good one as far as prisons go, a place Martha Stewart might be banished to, occasionally furloughed in order to indulge in shrimp & pork wontons from Dumplings of Fury or complain – politely, as this is still West Seattle – that a highly contagious virus should not necessitate closing of the Whole Foods Hot Bar. Where, she might ask, is the humanity? My own humanity remains inside my apartment. Though I sleep in my room and exercise in my garage, the remainder of my life is spent at my kitchen counter. I prepare coffee on one side and drink it sitting on the other; I prepare food on one side and eat it sitting on the other. Here I do homework, read, write, and do work. I conduct conference calls from here, looking at the wall when I need to focus and then spinning around 180 degrees when the call has bored me and I want to look through the big windows at the life I used to have. I am the last man on earth. The world outside is nearly Armageddon, my figurative LoJack a combination of Covid19 restrictions and King County’s decision to close the West Seattle Bridge, the by-far-quickest way to get from West Seattle to regular Seattle, due to a “sudden change in crack growth rate”, which must be a confusing agenda item at urban planning meetings. It is as if Elon Musk has chosen my neighborhood as the experimental group for his Simulation Theory. And I in particular am the experimental group of the experimental group, as I occupy the middle floor apartment of what was once a three-story house. I can hear my upstairs neighbor stomping around like she’s the night watch at Riker’s Island; occasionally she waters her outdoor plants as if to drown them, the overflow coming down on me in a flash monsoon. Hearing her sliding glass doors triggers me into snapping shut my laptop and cowering under the roof eave. My downstairs neighbors are loud in a different way. They are ostensibly a couple. Her voice is shrill and grating, while his must be deep and tormenting, as I can only hear her steadily elevated responses that usually end in some version of “I (expletive) HATE YOU!” Later, through the floor vent, I can hear them reconcile, their consummation consummated by his deep, apneic snoring. They should probably choose different life partners, but I suppose that is up to Elon.

This is my life in late July when I decide I have had enough. There is a world to see, and in my humble yet eminently qualified opinion most of the best parts of it exist between the Pacific Ocean and the west side of the Continental Divide. I am going to see it. Or see it again, I suppose, and more specifically those parts of it I have not seen before, (mostly) those accessible by dirt roads and two-lane highways with narrow shoulders, where permits and reservations are less necessary and parking is free or cheap and I am less likely, I naively believe, to see a Sprinter van. I scour the internet for a rooftop tent (I find a Smittybilt Overlander shipped to me from a 4WD club in Stockton, California), buy literally the last bike rack in West Seattle (truth), and over-engineer a plywood and hardboard truck bed organizer. I cover the 3/4-inch plywood deck in discount outdoor carpet from Home Depot, then customize the interior with a place for a 20-gallon propane tank and a used Coleman stove; a compartment for a cast-iron skillet and a Dutch oven; and a longer section for fly rods that by cosmic luck perfectly-yet-unintentionally fits four six-packs of Georgetown Brewery’s incomparable Bodhizafa IPA stacked lengthwise. And then I decide to invite my ex-girlfriend along for the ride.

“Ex-girlfriend” doesn’t capture the essence of our relationship, but that is an adventure tale for another time. As a cross-country co-pilot, Elon himself couldn’t have designed one better. She is exceedingly entertaining, brilliant, adventurous, and unfamiliar, if I might embellish (despite risk of bodily harm from her quite capable hands), with the culture and ways of the wild American west outside the East Bay of northern California, a community she once described to me as her “small town” (her brilliance does not extend to population density assessments). I pick her up at the SeaTac Airport with my truck fully-laden, and from there we begin our drive to stop number one: Glacier National Park.

Our late start necessitates a stopover at Idaho’s Blue Anchor RV Park and Campground, an ominous beginning for the rooftop tent. We take a lap around the paved loop to find far more RV than Campground, an amalgam of decades and socio-economic groups; many have “Utility Task Vehicles” parked alongside, five-figure masculinity deficit machines that I had hoped, impossibly, to neither see nor hear for the next three months. Some RVs have picnic tables between them and their neighbors, elaborate Adirondack chairs and fire pits and Edison lights strung above them, and I wonder if I should have waited out the pandemic in my apartment. Upon returning to the entrance we are greeted by a very sweaty, shirt-unbuttoned, maskless, and – I don’t want to sound too judgy here – likely intoxicated gentleman who leans his head well into the passenger side of the truck. Like ostrich at a roadside safari park and I have the bucket of ostrich trail mix on the driver’s side far into the truck. Ex-girlfriend is holding her breath. The man assures us we can park anywhere and pay in the morning. We do not pay in the morning.

*****

As Covid has prompted every couch-loving, The Voice watching, suburbanite dweller to also go mobile, Glacier is booked for camping. We are instead headed south of Glacier, to Hungry Horse Reservoir and Lid Creek campground. Lid Creek is on the south side of the reservoir in the Flathead National Forest in Montana, home – to quote Recreation.gov – to “lynx, grizzly bear, and bull trout.” Lid Creek is far from the highway and, like most of Montana, disarmingly beautiful. We pass few cars on the long dirt road, the reservoir occasionally discernible on one side of us as we drive through a dense forest of cedars, hemlock, and pine. The sun is bright and the air is clean and quiet. In addition to lynx and grizzly bear, Glacier National Park and the area around it is “home to at least 1,132 species of vascular plants” – those with water and nutrients – as well as “804 types of perennial herbs.” Our reserved campsite is in-between two empty sites, separated by trees and a lovely trickling creek and surely several hundred varieties of the aforementioned greens. I back into the campsite, remove the tent casing, then use the attached ladder as leverage to unfurl the tent in all its glory, an obnoxious, accordioned, ripstop flag marking my occupation. I CLAIM THIS LAND FOR ME.

A rooftop tent is a glorious thing. Ostensibly invented in Australia, land of all things venomous and ground-dwelling, in reality it was invented 300,000 years ago when a man realized he could claim to be protecting his family by taking them to higher ground when all he really wanted to do was to feel superior (this was before UTVs). There are benefits, to be sure. It saves space. You don’t have to roll up your tent and sleeping bag every morning. The views are ridiculous. You are also potentially eye level with a moose.

I drift to sleep with the darkening sky and the moderate drop in temperature, contemplating the integrity of claiming this as Night 1 of Rooftop Tent rather than last night’s stay at the Blue Anchor RV and Campground (I did not pay, I decide, therefore it did not happen). Ex-girlfriend does not, apparently, drift off to sleep, as I am awakened by a whisper of some urgency: “Someone is outside.”

I do not believe this for an instant. Kind of. “It’s an animal”, I assure Ex-girlfriend. But my 300,000-year-old man’s instinctual hypervigilance to danger has also kicked in, because what if someone is outside. I keep my eyes closed, but am now coming awake and listening.

“How do you know,” she asks.

“Because we’re in the middle of the woods.” This is an unsatisfactory answer to a previous dweller of the East Bay.

“What if it’s an axe murderer?”

“Yes,” I tell her. “It is an axe murderer. He drove 32 miles from Whitefish, parked his car before he got to the campground, and stomped loudly through the woods while bypassing several other campsites to murder us – with an axe – in our rooftop tent.” She shushes me: There it is again.

I hear it. It seems uncomfortably close. I do not admit this. “It’s an animal,” I assure her.

“WHAT FUCKING ANIMAL IS BI-PEDAL”, she asks. I’m inclined to remind her that as a human, any axe murderer is likely to be both bi-pedal and an animal. I think better of it, but she’s also shaken me a bit. It does, in fact, sound bi-pedal. And it has now bi- or quad-pedaled its way closer to the tent; it is close enough that we, with held breath, can hear it breathe while it chews.

*****

In addition to lynx, grizzly bear, and bull trout, moose also exist in some abundance in and around Glacier National Park. The moose is the largest animal of the deer family, as well as the largest antlered animal in the world. It can weigh as much as 1,600 pounds, is a terrific swimmer, and can run up to 35 miles per hour. Goofier looking than a giraffe but less so than a camel (both one and two humps), the moose is also the only North American animal scientifically labeled, as a species, as “cantankerous” (trust me). They are herbivores, and eat leaves, bark, twigs, and underwater vegetation, and it is this knowledge that has emboldened me to declare that because our visitor, bi-pedal or otherwise, sounds to be absolutely devouring the life-sized terrarium we have chosen as a campsite, it is definitely not an axe murderer.

“It’s a moose”, I say.

“Didn’t you say they were cantankerous?”, she asks. I make a mental note to get a new word to describe a moose. I also offer that we are safe in our rooftop tent.

She counters. “Aren’t we at about its height?” We are, in fact, right about at the moose’s height. “It’s going to charge the truck,” Ex-girlfriend says.

“It’s not going to charge the truck.”

“Its head is going to come right through this window right here.”

“Its head is not going to come through the window.” I am now on high alert, because I know that a) a moose is, in fact, cantankerous, and b) its head could, in fact, come right through this window right here. At 6’ or 7’ feet at the shoulder, the moose – if it is a moose – could jut its protubering lips through the window and rest its flabby dewlap right in-between our two sleeping bags. We both are now staring hard out the window towards the sounds of uprooting and chewing. I decide to shine the flashlight to confirm our visitors’ mooseness, and there it is: a grainy, photo-negative black and grey outline, eyes reflective, ungainly head with lips churlishly moving laterally with every smack and gnash of vascular greenery.

“Oh my God,” says Ex-girlfriend. “It’s a moose. We should call 911.” She is serious.

“And tell them what? That there’s a moose in their national park?”

“Someone should know,” she declares. She is momentarily distracted by the fact that she doesn’t have cell coverage. She is genuinely considering calling 911. I need to pee, for which I must, of course, descend the rooftop tent. She is having none of it. “Isn’t your sleeping bag waterproof?”, she asks, not without condescension. “It’s like a giant diaper. Just use it.” I shine the light again on the moose to distract my bladder, but also to admire this beast, just a thin layer of canvas between it and the two of us. It pulls giant bunches of plants. We breathe. It chews. We lean closer and share an occasional whisper. “They really do look like the drawings on Moose Tracks ice cream,” she says. “Which would be amazing right now.”

We are quiet again, listening. On this rooftop tent, with its astounding views and self-indulgence and implied superiority, we feel small and insignificant and lucky to be a part of this cantankerous animal quite patiently sharing her meal with us. We watch, noses pressed against the window netting, hands under chins on our pillows in an elevated bed.

A few more moments of silence. Then the moose, head down and still eating within the glow of the flashlight’s nimbus, takes a half-step towards us. We are entranced, but her movement is reminder of this animal’s sheer size and potential power. “Do you want to share your almond butter with the moose?”, whispers Ex-girlfriend. “Because I don’t. Turn off your flashlight.”

So I do. We fall asleep staring through the tent’s roof windows, a Big Sky worth of stars above us, the sounds of smacking moose lips nature’s white noise. Eden comes in many sizes.

Song of Taos

The song I see when the aspen leaves

change the angle of the sun

before it touches my skin,

weathered,

and the sound of a wing whistle

from a red-shafted flicker

sounds the same as the wind

vibrating

over the folds of my hammock,

Is a song of reunion,

sang by high deserts and snakeskin belts,

and concrete poured over big sagebrush,

a foundation

overwatched

by new moons,

and the blood of christ,

and magi in the zocalo,

unbathed,

and the smell of piles of split pinyon and juniper.

High Desert, Open Road

Reno to Buckeye Creek

The ragged wagon train traveled east from Silver Mountain city, two or three families at the limits of patience and purse, turned away from Jacob Marklee’s toll bridge for lack of funds. Instead, they followed a double-rutted track winding down the eastern slope of the Sierra Nevadas, a decade’s worth of wooden wheels tamping down and doubling an older single-track trail cleaved by iron-shoed horses and leather-booted trappers and over-weighted prospectors. And it, in turn, surely followed paths worn by thousands of years’ worth of Washoe and Numu peoples and, for millennia before that, mule deer and elk and moose and whatever other giant mammals descended the big mountains in the winter, leaving the sugar pines and junipers to find warmth and water amongst the aspens and cottonwoods and sagebrush of the high desert below.

Or at least this is how I imagine it, as I pump my brakes on the steep descent of Highway 89 from modern-day Markleeville – population 201, an increase of 13 humans (presumably) from a decade earlier – for Highway 395 southbound, paralleling the shallow West Walker River and leading to my next stop in Bridgeport, California. Highways of man and beast have always led to water, and surely always will, no more so than in the arid, mountain deserts of the Great Basin. And as much as I romanticize hearing the imaginary grind of wagon wheels on sedimentary desert rock, of feeling the pull and stress and sweat of oxen through leather reins in my hands, I also know no pioneer ever experienced the liberation of the open road, windows rolled down, left forearm burned, hand surfing the airstream like a backseated-child while the poetry of John Prine serenades through crackling speakers. I drive the switchbacks, the smell of overheated brakes intermixing with residual brushfire smoke and the inimitable aroma of wet sagebrush: There is nothing more nostalgic than the smell of the Nevada desert after a rain. No mind that I’m technically in California; the pull of my youth does not recognize mere political borders.

The last 180-degree bend in the road parallels a miniature altiplano, a broad, flat plain of scrub brush lazily funneling between two sheer, barren ranges, a glacial ghost. I can see for miles, a cloudless blue sky interrupted to the south only by the ever-soaring turkey vulture, an animal with a sense of smell so keen that gas companies unintentionally stumbled upon them as collaborators: Have a leak in your pipeline in the middle of the desert? No worries, look for the congregating buzzards – the chemical additive included in natural gas smells like decomposing flesh to a scavenger. A good reminder, I think, that hidden utility lies in us all. I pull over at the bottom of the hill to ease my brakes and to write a note – the image of “glacial ghosts”, I think, is a good one, and I don’t want to forget it – and see a jackrabbit duck under a sagebrush as an overhead vulture floats by, its shadow diving and climbing on the varied surfaces, a black flag unfurling.

Bridgeport Valley & Sawtooth Range

I follow Highway 395 to Bridgeport, a small town of alfalfa farmers and cattle ranchers and upper-middle class Bay Area alums who have recognized the value of clean streets and starred skies. And, also, the value in relocating to a new community but still in your own state, where the locals are less apt to complain about the “goddam Californians” moving to town and jacking up property values. I take Twin Lakes Road from 395 to Buckeye Creek where I will camp for the night, asphalt splitting in two the Hunewill dude ranch, both sides of the road containing cattle and horses, and tourists sentimental for less contentious times. I slow my truck as two men on horseback, wearing the weathered felt hats of working cowboys, no doubt rakishly handsome and impossibly polite, casually herd a cow and calf towards an open corral, the Sawtooth Range of Yosemite lurking like a Hollywood backdrop. Somewhere – everywhere, perhaps – near the tops of those mountains is my Tree of Life, spring snowmelt that finds its way east down the Sierra Nevadas, through creeks and valleys to the East Walker River, then joining the West, then through my childhood village of Yerington, Nevada, eventually dumping into Walker Lake. If it makes it there. Water in the Nevada desert is more precious than the state’s prolific haul of silver and gold, and the takings of men upriver, for hay and garlic and onions and cattle, has left Walker Lake 180 feet lower than before we non-indigenous decided the looming, people-eating Sierra Nevadas were simply too big to cross, and that this valley right here would do just fine.

I arrive at Buckeye Creek campground and am alone. The post-Fourth of July crowd is gone by Tuesday morning, though the detritus remains, waste overflowing bear-proof bins. I park my truck far from the sight and smell of the trash and restrooms – I’d make a poor gas-leak inspecting buzzard – and sit down on a rock. Then I listen: the ticking of my cooling-down truck engine. A slight breeze from an indecisive direction. White noise from the creek below me. A chirp. No, a peep. Condensed. Or abbreviated, like a short exhale from a squeaky toy. From my periphery I see the source, an athletic flash of movement from a camouflaged chipmunk, an animal so invariably small and cute that I am sure they must all die in adolescence. At first there is one. It is curious, and brave, though that is perhaps boosted by the startling quickness of this animal; I try to take pictures with my cell phone but it moves so fast the image is blurred beyond recognition.

Do not be lulled. They’re meateaters.

I unwisely throw an almond in its direction, and before the chipmunk can claim it two more appear from the edges of my campsite. They barrel into the first chipmunk, the three of them rolling around like a cartoon dustup, a victor emerging to take the nut into its hands, as big as a football to a child. And now there are more. Perhaps ten of them; they dart into and out of my vision one at a time, distracting me, sniffing at my backpack, the wheels of my truck, the picnic bench. I feel one brush against my bare left foot as I watch another in the opposite direction; they are probing me, testing my defenses like Zulu warriors at the Battle of Rorke’s Drift, and I hope I am Lt. Bromhead in this reenactment and not Private Williams.

Amateur Night at Gethsemani Abbey

(Or: How I Unwittingly Prepared for Social Distancing)


“I am what I live. Don’t tell me who I am yet. It is still being spelled out.”

– Brother Paul Quenon

Fifty-two miles south of Louisville, among rolling hills of switchgrass and swaths of cut corn stalks and stands of uncut red oak and dogwood, near a three-way intersection of shoulderless, asphalt roads, sits a small, red-brick house. There is a grain silo nearby, and a faded turquoise water tower and an idle combine harvester in a fallow field across the way, and occasional, speed-limit minding traffic driving through cool late-February air so thin of humidity the birds fly and chirp in unmuddled joy. It is a scene ubiquitous in this part of America, in this time of year, these rural bucolic settings of west Appalachia so fungible a blindfolded local from six states around could not, with blindfold removed, positively identify his location.

Until: a mile to the north – along Monks Road – after a shallow bend to the east, down a small decline, and through the touchdown goalposts of a cross to the west side of the road and an elevated statue of Joseph and Jesus to the east, rises the sprawling, muted white, neo-Gothic compound of Gethsemani Abbey.

On The Road at Gethsemani Abbey
Gethsemani Abbey, Trappist, Kentucky

Ten years ago I read The Seven Storey Mountain, the monk and author Thomas Merton’s autobiography about his physical path from Europe to the United States and back again, twice, eventually ending up at Columbia University as a 21 year old sophomore, and his spiritual path from vice-loving atheist to Trappist monk to envoy for global humanism. Merton lived devoutly, not just in his Catholicism but in his attempts to find clarity in life and thought; despite living much of his life as a monk, and the latter part as a hermit (though not a very good one), he was a man constantly on the move. He delved philosophically into many things – I presume a monk has plenty of time on his hands – and was a man for his time, his writings and social commentary from the halls of an abbey in central Kentucky about the global issues of war and race and non-violence clarion call for two generations of men looking for clarity as to what America was giving them. Or, perhaps more importantly, what it was asking of them.

Merton’s popularity as a writer, philosopher, and social critic resulted in droves of young men turning to Catholic monasteries in the post-World War II years as well as during and after Vietnam, but Merton’s own brand of religion might be summed up, ironically, in what he described as his naïve beliefs as a young man: that all religions “lead to God, only in different ways, and every man should go according to his own conscience, and settle things according to his own private way of looking at things.” Merton dedicated much of his life to Catholicism as the path to God, but his philosophy and intellectual curiosity, along with his late-in-life exaltation of Buddhism (he died, alas, courtesy of shady Thai insulation, suffering a fatal post-shower electric shock from a ceiling fan in a multi-faith retreat center outside Bangkok) intrigued me as evidence that his early beliefs were maybe the more accurate. As Buddha suggests, sort out your own salvation with diligence.

Seven Storey Mountain didn’t move me enough to return to Catholicism, though to be fair “return” is a bit of a stretch. I often embellish the intellectual path to my contemporary agnosticism by explaining that I was “raised Catholic,” as if my childhood piety were interchangeable with “to do the right thing,” or “by wolves”, but to be honest my Catholic exposure was mostly isolated to the short time periods around my baptism (SUPER young. Like, a baby. And I didn’t get a vote); First Communion, around the age of seven, where I received the blood and body of Jesus Christ (ew.  And again, no vote); and CCD on Wednesdays during the seventh and eighth grade (where I first exercised my right to vote by stopping attending). Perhaps the most enduring of Catholic canonical law came courtesy of my grandmother, who assured me that my tongue would turn black if I lied, or, upon a slight injury like a stubbed toe, declared that God was punishing me for some moral infraction I committed at an earlier date. Or would commit later, or was perhaps simply just thinking of committing, even if I didn’t yet know when. That God is ever ready to balance the ledger by slamming my shin into my bed frame has proven far more practical than Saul’s conversion on the road to Damascus.

Who would tell that face he’s eating Jesus? And the hair looks exactly the same today.

What did intrigue me was this idea of going to a monastery. Of dropping out of society (or at least intentionally inserting yourself into a very different one) in order to contemplate some higher ideal. To read. To write. To wear a robe and Birkenstocks and take long walks, perhaps with my sleeved hands clasped casually behind my back, a precocious speckled fawn close upon my heel or a cartoon bird on my shoulder. To hum a Gregorian chant or two. Mostly, to just be quiet for a while.

Entering a monastery presents some practical decisions, the figurative shedding of skin and literal shedding of friends, family, worldly possessions, and even your name notwithstanding. Where to find a monastery, for starters, and then which order to choose. You might be familiar with the Jesuits, they of Georgetown and St. Joseph’s and Boston College fame (and twenty-four other major universities), or the perhaps less famous Franciscans (Felician University, anyone?) or even the Benedictines. But how about the Dominicans? Or the Carmelites? The Premonstratensians? Or the Cistercians, Carthusians, Passionists, Visitationists? The Friars Minor Capuchin? Or the Poor Clares of Perpetual Adoration?1One website lists more than 300 different orders and congregations, from the simple and descriptive “Grey Nuns” (no doubt an early example of reappropriation, old nuns taking the young nuns’ slur and claiming it as their own, “you know what, you…you brunette. We are grey and we’re going to start our own thing”) to the sanguinary “Adorers of the Blood of Christ” to the very specific “Camaldolese Hermits of the Congregation of Monte Corona” to the optimistic “Sisters of Jesus, Our Hope,” a name I imagine was settled upon only after a lengthy debate as to whether they shouldn’t end with an exclamation point, and whose recruitment material includes the assertion that they “live vows of poverty, chastity and obedience within a vibrant community life.” Hopeful indeed. Anyone? The names start to delve into the impossible, adorers of blood and regret and sorrow and other emotions, unlimited by the restrictions of time and space, spawning the unavoidable satiricals like Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption2http://www.ourladyofperpetualexemption.com/ or the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.3https://www.thesisters.org/ Choosing the correct monastery can’t be a decision one takes lightly. And we are all human, so rivalries and jealousies surely emerge. If I choose the Benedictines, will the Franciscans forever look down upon me? Do I look better in grey or black (no one looks good in brown)? Are there dedication rankings, one order taking their vows more seriously, one more forgiving in their dress (you can wear jeans here brother, he said unironically), another more collegial? I once heard an Army general tell an Air Force officer that his career choice was “a fine alternative to military service” – do the monasteries have an equivalent? Will the Opus Deis and Brothers of Mortification of the Flesh4I made that one up. tighten a figurative cilice or whip a condescending discipline in my direction should I choose a more, eh, cool denomination?5“They are doing so as you write this”, says my grandmother from her grave. “Watch yourself mister.”

The choice was made for me, my selection of Gethsemani Abbey sealed when I read Seven Storey Mountain, and after a stop at Wal-Mart (bananas and energy bars), Hobby Lobby (pens and butcher paper), and Target (yoga mat and yeah, I know), I drive the 30 or so more miles towards Gethsemani, past an empty log cabin that falsely purports to be President Lincoln’s boyhood home, then into the town of New Haven (population 891), on whose outskirts I spy my first Confederate flag of the day,6There is a brute inside of me who fantasizes about mandating that every home that sports a Confederate flag must also hang an oil portrait of Abraham Lincoln near their doorway, and look him in the eye each morning upon leaving their home, and thank him for letting them live in America. This is not a good thought to have prior to spending time at a monastery. then beyond that through the aforementioned three-way intersection and then into the parking lot of the Abbey. It is mostly full, late-model cars and designer trucks and even a Tesla, but it is tranquil, and the few other people standing around the cars are quiet. I carry my luggage instead of wheeling it behind me and follow two hipsters also checking in, they with matching puffy jackets over flannel shirts and matching thick brown belts holding up their crisp Levi’s and sporting matching short hair and beards and glasses and matching weathered (one faux, one not) brown boots, a hipster uniform.7Moment of self-reflection: Is this me? Is this what I’ve become? Just another truth-seeking, back-to-when-life-was-cool hipster, destined to make my own shoes and use locally-sourced beard oil? Is this me? No. But mostly because I do not wear jeans. One guy has two drumsticks (wood, not chicken) protruding from his satchel, and I imagine him in his room air-drumming all weekend, a silent one-man one-father one-son one-Holy Ghost drum circle.8I like your cymbal Jesus! Or is that your nimbus?

The monk behind the counter is old and stooped and hoarse, gravity working its magic on spinal and vocal cords alike; he asks me if I’ve been here before, and where I’m coming from, and did I drive? He mischievously shames me for flying and then driving just from Nashville rather than all the way from Seattle, as if I’ve cheapened my experience already, and then spends what seems to be an inordinate amount of time deciding in which of the several vacant rooms to place me. He hovers over his ultimate selection – room 310 – long enough that I think he has momentarily fallen asleep, but then he pencils my name into the register in neat, uniform block letters, hands me my keys while I listen intently to his directions, and then at 4:35 p.m. on a Friday, after speaking what I hope will be my last words until Monday morning – “thank you” – I turn and ascend the stairs.


Thomas Merton was born in France in 1915 of an American mother and a Kiwi father. They died when he was six and sixteen, respectively, and he grew up in France, England, and the U.S., raised by his father and then an uncle. He was a smart young man, though hypersensitive, it seems, to emotion and unfairness and was afflicted (and concerned) by some extremities in his own personality. He smoked packs of cigarettes a day, drank profusely, spent time in jail, talked into the early morning hours with his university pals at both Cambridge and then later Columbia, loved women – he most likely fathered a child to whom he never spoke or acknowledged – and in general fully partook of life in the 1930s. Had he not died by electrocution, wrote a New Yorker article in 2018, “he might have died by overstimulation.”9Jacobs, Alan, “Thomas Merton, The Monk Who Became a Prophet,” The New Yorker, December 28, 2018. Merton arrived in the U.S. for the last time in 1935, enrolled at Columbia, and was eventually thunderstruck by Catholicism. He entered the church in 1939, immediately began exploring the priesthood, and after opening a Bible – in Latin, of course – to a random page, he found his finger falling on a portent: “And behold, you will be silent and unable to speak until the day that these things take place.”10Gospel of Luke 1:20. A monastery it would be.

Merton visited Gethsemani Abbey in April of 1940 and returned for good in December of 1941. And whatever Merton was looking for, I think I might be looking for it too, but in the obverse, not for a life permanently slowed, or one clarified by the regimented liturgical process of centuries of rigor and tradition and obfuscation, but a simple reset, a restart, a regeneration, a re-anything that might re-mind me of what once was, that time and place where I felt indomitable, and in a flow, as if in every moment lie the potential of something amazing about to happen. To find those things hiding the true meaning of other things, a stripping away of the things we know are unimportant, or those things we think are important but really aren’t but have somehow allowed them to dominate our daily existence. Perhaps just a continuing assessment of whether Maslow was full of shit. That would do too.


Room 310 is on the west side of the dormitory and down the length of a hallway covered in blue commercial-grade carpet, the last door before a set of large windows. I get a small shock as I insert my key into the lock, as I do each time I unlock my door over the next three days, surely my grandmother sitting at the foot of God, casting tiny thunderbolts in my direction, reminding me both to be on my best behavior and also who is in charge in the unlikely event I’ve forgotten, God no doubt now wondering the same thing.

The room is austere, but frankly much more accommodating than one might expect of a monastery. There is an open closet, a nightstand, an armchair, and a single bed with a bedspread that might be cut from the same heavy textile as the hallway carpet. There is a crucifix on one wall, with a desk and desk chair under it, and two pictures on another (stations of the cross, I think confidently, grateful there is no schooled Catholic nearby to tell me otherwise or conduits through which my grandmother might shock me), and on the bed are a folded towel and washcloth and a roll of toilet paper. I unpack, and breathe deeply, and close my eyes, and frankly feel just a tiny bit emotional because, for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I am doing something. Not “doing something”, but something. Checking a box, fulfilling a promise, lining out a list, exercising dominion over myself and how I spend my time and how I exert my energy and reminding myself that I once said I was going to do something and right now, right here in this old building in the middle of Kentucky occupied by men who, years ago, decided they were going to do something – I am doing something too.

I sit down at the desk and read through the daily retreat schedule, the words familiar – Vigils and Lauds and Terces – even if their specific meanings are not. In the top drawer I find a red folder stuffed with notes from the occupiers of Room 310 before me (“pilgrims,” some of my predecessors call us), and now the monk’s attentiveness to my room assignment makes sense.11I learn later that retreatants don’t leave notes in every room, and that the red folder in 310 must occasionally be emptied of old ones to make room for the new. The dates range from early 2014 to just two weeks ago, from a concise yellow-sticky don’t give up, peace will come to you to a six-page missive describing the writer’s every day at Gethsemani. Some are monotonous and boring, a few tragic, some meandering and uncertain; most are nearly-uniform tales of a search for some sort of internal quiet, notes written on postcards and grade school ruled paper and personal stationery, some in tiny, all-capped letters, others in soaring, beautiful cursive or written in thick fuchsia ink so thick it bleeds through the paper so I can’t read the other side.12I am momentarily derailed by the number of “over!” or “other side” – sometimes accompanied by a rightward pointing arrow – written on the bottoms of these small notes, as if paper were so multi-dimensional that lack of directions at the end of a clearly incomplete note would leave me searching about the room, overturning furniture and rifling through drawers and looking under rugs for the remainder of the note, occasionally stopping in the middle of the room, one arm folded across my chest and the other holding my chin in perplexion of where, oh where could the rest of that note possibly be? until a cartoon bulb lights above my head and I snap my fingers in realization: LOOK ON THE OTHER SIDE.  I read only a few, planning on pacing myself over the next two and a half days, and I resist the urge to immediately organize the notes into chronological order (sub-urge resisted: oldest to newest, or newest to oldest). I find, however, an OCD comrade-in-arms, NP from Parnell, Tennessee, who gives me permission; she rearranged them on September 7, 2016, and there are so many retreatants between her and me who are obviously heathens.

Dinner is served promptly at six p.m. My first meal is what appears to be leftover grilled cheese sandwich halves and broccoli and mushroom soup and a dessert of Jell-O. There are fifteen to twenty other people here in line, mostly men, one of whom asks, out loud, for sugar, and just like that my Totally Ridiculous in Hindsight Plan B: No Human Voices is gone (Plan A was for total silence, which was just a silly expectation on its face. At even the quietest times I could hear the dull thrumming of my heartbeat in my ears, let alone the church bells and road traffic and birds and wind and other humans saying offensive things to me like “hi” or “good morning”). Plan C, then, is reserved for me and is within my control, which is to just be as quiet as possible, both within my head and outside of it. And so I try. I pick my feet up when I walk. I pull my chair out with two hands, lifting it instead of dragging it across the floor. I pick up a fork, then a knife, then a spoon, one at a time so they don’t clink against one another. I sip my tea and chew and swallow and breathe like I’m getting stalked, like I possess the Secret to the Universe to be stolen from me should I make a noise and disclose my location. The phone and computer are already off, of course, and will not be powered up again until Monday morning (if ever!), and I Peaceful Warrior and Downward Dog rather than blaze through push-ups and sit-ups; I turn the pages of my books methodically and slowly; I curse the reading light for its hum. I find myself doing things with deliberation and intention, a slowing down of my motions, walking quieter, breathing quieter, turning pages quieter, pushing down the toaster with precision, feeling the catch rather than bludgeoning it into submission. I have less of a death grip on my pen, the vanity of the cursive of my youth returning over the hours as I write this that you are reading, or scrawl out a list of things to Google at a later date.13Who was with Buddha when he invited Mara in for tea?; who wrote “All-American Despair”; E.O. Wilson; is Jesus always looking in the same direction when depicted on the cross?; Viaticum; Samadhi; phrase “get up on the wrong side of the bed’; Midrashic; Goliards; do nomadic cultures have a lot children, and who can I blame for overpopulation?; Détraqué; Law of Polarity; difference between an abbey and a monastery; sub question: Do people have sex during silent retreats at abbeys?; sub sub question: If so, do they feel guilty afterwards?; learn the de Profundis; sub-task: learn te deum; Parable of the Pharisee and the Publican; why is there a w in wrist? wrong. wrestle. wren.; origin of the phrase “to square a circle.”; do x-rays detect water?; Fred Swaniker; Michael Emerson / North Park Univ.; origin of phrase to “go South”; any difference between a knob and a peak?; “tal vez me puedes ayudar” – correct?; Polonnaruwa; Demoniac; why did Sodom take all the heat? Can’t we commit gomorrahy? Or gomorrahize someone?; Franciscans v Ignatians v Benedictines v Dominicans; what’s with Jesus cursing the fig tree?; fleshpot; in spite v despite.,14I know you’re not interested. But if you’re curious: Ananda; Stephen Rodrick; the world’s leading authority on ants; no, but down and to the right is definitely prevalent at Gethsemani; the Eucharist when given to a person near death; a state of intense concentration achieved through meditation; the Romans, highly superstitious, believed that one should always start the day by getting up on the right side of the bed, and getting up on the left side – the wrong side – portended a bad day ahead; Jewish methods of interpreting biblical text; a group of young clergy who wrote satirical poetry; no. Probably pre-Industrial Age agrarians; an insane or psychopathic person; everything is dual!; though it’s certainly debatable, a monastery is the premature version of an abbey; I’m guessing yes; for sure if they’re Catholic; basically, Psalm 130; I shall add it to the list; the parable suggests humble prayer, alas, “publican” here is a tax collector, and not, unfortunately, a pub owner; “wrist,” like many other “wr” words (wrestle, wrap, wrinkle…) used to be pronounced with the “w”. The 17th century left the sound behind, and we’re still waiting to drop the actual letter; it’s a geometry problem – turning a circle into a square in a limited number of steps – doubling as a metaphor for the impossible; no; a guy from Ghana doing some really, really cool shit; a guy from America doing some really, really cool shit; though it may have to do with western notions of directions and symbology and degradation (south is always towards the bottom on western maps, which is the same direction as a plunging stock market graph), some Native American tribes used the same term to describe death or dying; yes! A knob is a peak or hill having the shape of a knob (though the University of Kentucky, for what it’s worth, calls a knob “erosion remnants” of an upland area – there’s even a “Knobs Region” of Kentucky (as opposed to the “Bluegrass Region” or the “Pennyroyal”)), a peak is the high point of a mountain or a ridge; not really, though it would probably get you by; the second-oldest of Sri Lanka’s kingdoms; one possessed by the devil; the curse, I assume, of being second. No one really talks about St. Paul either; this distinction is simply too long to discuss here, but know there are at least 39 orders and hundreds of congregations; this, like much of what Jesus said, is open to interpretation. Maybe he was just hangry; places that offer “luxurious or / and unrestrained pleasure or amusement,” or what my grandmother called those she perceived as hussies; use them interchangeably (just no “of” after “despite” please).

But the world is a noisy place, and the previously overlooked or ignored are magnified by the silence. Silverware, a heater, a microwave, a faucet, spreading butter on toast, sliding out chairs, chewing, drinking, throat-clearing, swallowing, zipping, ice in glasses, automatic paper towel dispensers, an elevator bell, a church bell, an alarm bell, breathing, sneezing, coughing, snot-rocketing, farting, burping…a flushing toilet sounds like a jet engine; rolling luggage industrial machinery; flitting warbler a forest monster of Grimmian proportions. But here’s the thing: it’s good. Like really good. And it’s infectious. I read, I write, I sit and listen to birds. Or the air. Or nothing. I walk in the woods, avoiding eye contact with the occasional other human being, lest my social contract with the world obligate me to say “hello” or “good morning”, instead offering my best attempts at, but clearly fake, Duchennes smiles with a quick, nose in the air ‘sup bro, I acknowledge you but I refuse to do so overtly head nod. And I did all this in silence. Or at least according to Plan C.15To be fair, I broke Plan C three times: The first time a quite involuntarily “hey little birds!” spoken to, surprise, little birds I felt were accompanying me on a walk. I caught myself mid “little,” quietly both toning down and tailing off the “birds” part, a clear moment of shame. The second was while looking out my fourth floor window at the garden below, a big Kentucky coffee tree (gymnocladus dioicus) center and something cypressy and equally big to the right. An American crow (corvus brachyrhynchos) landed at the feeder near the wall, forcing all the other birds to fly away, drawing my eye immediately to the coffee tree in front of me where a brilliantly red-headed Red-Headed Woodpecker (melanerpes erythrocephalus) hopped up the trunk, quickly, high enough to draw my eye to a Great Blue Heron (ardea herodias) flying slowly, dramatically, just across the tops of the trees, an Ukiyo-e woodblock in motion, the ridiculousness of the five-second sequence of events prompting me to whisper, “what in the world.” And the third: During a long walk, after I spit on my arm, prompting me to call myself a name I am embarrassed to repeat. And for about two days, free of the detritus of life in 2020-America, free of Instagram likes and Facebook followers and fake news-peddlers and fake news-accusers and fake-news consumers and Buzzfeed clickbait16“30 BuzzFeed Headline Tips You Need to See to Believe” is a real thing. and Phantom Vibration Syndrome17No, you’re not crazy. Your thigh or butt vibrating despite nothing there is also a real thing. and free of a TV or Netflix or a lap top or a cell phone or even a watch was, for me – and can be for you, too – a real path, to be trite, to freeing my mind. To quote George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic (and definitely not En Vogue) who was quoting Junior from Platoon, who was most likely paraphrasing Emmanuel Kant who was probably riffing on David Hume who surely borrowed from Plato who, we can all agree, probably stole everything from Socrates: free your mind and your ass will follow.18And after all that, Buddha probably said it first. So I freed my mind. And my ass followed. And it was good.19For the discerning reader: yes, I edited Moses. Using “very” in the sentence “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good” (Gen. 1:31) weakens “good,” especially because the doer here is God. Is God capable of just normal good? As in, “that’s a good first try God! Now let’s see if we can do better.” No, he is not. God knows only “very good,” so using “very” is Moses just trying to pad his word count. Or so would say Mrs. DeGiacomo.


Rarely the same path.

It is Sunday night, my last night at the Abbey, my last night of Plan C. I can already feel focus drifting away, partially because I have spent a weekend reading and writing and most definitely not clock watching, and now I must get back to the real world, and I have a day to plan and a rental car to return and a plane to catch. I imagine writing a fake Airbnb review from someone who didn’t know what they were getting into (“incessant ringing of bells, guests unfriendly and hotel staff either nowhere to be seen or all together at once, boring church attached to the hotel – not ONE picture of Jesus!”), think about the proper amount of money to pay for my weekend of lodging and food (Abbey-suggested amount: “that is between you and God”), about whether I can continue what I’ve experienced over the last few days but IRL. Can I hide distractions, turn off my computer, un-install my Spotify for stretches at a time, leave my phone in the other room when I sleep? Can I communicate better, both with myself and with those important to me? I think of the language we use when texting, compared to emailing or writing a letter, compared to talking on the phone or talking face to face, compared to those things we agonize over when we want to convey the important-est of messages, and I think about the advance of technology and the absolutely mad rush of twenty-first century America, compared to the deterioration of meaningful introspection and communication, and how it has affected our expectations – and the expectations placed on us – such that we must reply now!, to the point where our smart phones not only suggest responses (“great, thanks!”) but we take them up on the offer. Haste has eliminated the personal, and like slow food that makes for a better meal, consciousness of thought makes for a better person, if I might only give myself the time. If we might only give ourselves the time.

“Tell me. What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Mary Oliver


Pass it on: On the Road with Jose