Three Saints Road

August 9, 2001

The Little Sister Interlude

Chicago, Illinois/August 9, 2001

My fourteen year-old sister occupies the passenger seat next to me. My traveling companion for the next nine days, she is five feet eight inches of legs and eyeballs, one hundred per cent self-assuredness. My plan is to mold her, to show her parts of the country she has never seen, to show her the things she can have if she continues to do the things she is doing. I will show her cities, art, monuments, untamed wilderness. I will show her baseball. I will show her things that come with an education, with sophistication, with worldliness. I will impress her with my knowledge of all things not small-town Nevada. I will prepare her for life.

We drive out of Denver, and I am already a little cautious. A college friend has spoken of strippers and Amsterdam hash bars. I want her to be worldly, but this is too much! Does she know what a stripper is? Does she know they are all “working their way through college,” but that none have actually ever graduated? Does she know many have suffered abuse of some sort during their childhood, and that their own children are also likely to be affected? I want to tell her these things, but then I wonder if she’ll ask me how much money they make. She has been asking me this question with regards to my friends and their professions. If she asks, I must answer honestly. She is mature, going into high school, and she deserves the truth.

“A good Las Vegas stripper,” I would answer, “can make six figures, and working just half the year. However, benefits are pretty much non-existent. Unless, of course, you’re looking for good coke.” Six figures for a half year’s work, and free drugs? This sounds pretty good to me. I opt not to broach the stripper and Amsterdam issue. I instead worry about her becoming a stripper. I worry about her going to college and having a bad sexual experience. I worry about her getting accidentally pregnant and ruining her young life. This is a valid concern. My family breeds like it’s free sex at a polygamy festival. I want to ensure my little sister is aware of the breeding process. I want her to know that contraception is spelled with a “tra” in the middle of it. I want her to be prepared.“So Erin,” I ask, “whadda ya hear about the fallopian tube?” She shrieks. She brings her legs up to her chest, leans away from me, curls into a fetal position. Her hands cover her ears. “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA” she says. I suspect she doesn’t want to talk about this. “I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS,” she says. She is fourteen. We drive on.

At Mt. Rushmore, we take a gondola ride to an elevated view of the monument. From our perspective, only three presidents are visible. “I thought there were four,” she says. I tell her they take one down every other month to give it a good cleaning. She eyes me suspiciously. At the foot of the monument itself, she sees that there actually are four. “Ha!” She says. “I told you. What are their names?” I can see she doesn’t know. “The left one,” I say, “is Samuel L. Jackson. Then John Elway, Will Ferrell, and George W. Bush.” She does not believe me. “You’re such a liar!” she says. “The one with the beard is Abraham Lincoln.” She is fourteen.

We drive through the great expanse that is South Dakota. I want her to look around, to absorb the Great Plains and all of its history. I want her to know the misfortune of the millions of Native Americans at the hands of white settlers and the United States Army. I want her to know about the great bison herds. I continue to point things out to her. Laura Ingall Wilder’s childhood home. The Badlands. The acres and acres of wheat and corn. At each of my observations, she gives me a token “uh-huh,” barely looking up from her Nintendo Game-boy. I am exasperated. “Erin,” I finally say. “I want to know what you think about all of this. Look around you! This is America! What do you say?” She stares at me, inquisitively. Reflectively. “I think,” she says, “you pick your nose almost as much as Kimberley.” She is, I remind myself, fourteen.

In a restaurant in South Dakota, a young male takes our order. After he leaves, Erin states that she believes he is gay. “Erin!” I furrow my brow and drop my voice an octave. “Why do you think that?” “Because,” she says, “he has a lisp. And his finger nails are long and polished.” I begin: “Do you know anyone who is gay? Have you ever met a gay man?” She admits she has not. “Then you are basing your opinion on stereotypes acquired from television and movies,” I state. “You are basing your opinion on misperception, and your generalization perpetuates the incorrect and unfair portrayal of gay men. Until you have solid knowledge based on first-hand experiences acquired over time, you are only showing your ignorance by making such a statement.” She is sufficiently embarrassed. I have shown her the path to open-mindedness.

In Chicago, we go to a party given for a friend and her peers, graduates of a PhD program for clinical psychology. The host of the party is also my friend’s mentor and supervisor. My friend tells us her mentor is sort of peculiar, but very nice and entertaining. He is also, she says, gay. He greets us at the door. Erin stands behind me, obviously curious to meet her first gay man. Bernie is slender, with slightly balding hair slicked down on top of his head. He has a pencil-thin mustache, and wears a gray polo tucked into his belted black slacks. His shoes are highly polished. His partner is an Austrian named Hans. Bernie’s fingernails are long and polished, and Bernie has, of course, a lisp. It is all Erin can do to contain herself. She is throwing me kidney shots, each one a connecting “I told you so!” She does not punch like a fourteen year-old.

Our trip together is over. Erin begins high school on Monday. She is on the dance team, she is in Honors English Composition, she is her freshman class president. Still, I find myself worrying about her. We drive together to the airport, silently. I hope that she has had a good time, that she has learned something new, that she has seen what can be hers if she keeps doing the things she is doing. In the end, however, it is I that am taught. It is I that am impressed. It is I that worry that I annoyed her too much, that I embarrassed her. I think she is a superstar, and I tell her so. She looks me in the eye, pauses, and says “thank you.” Clearly, confidently, appreciatively.

I miss her already.

July 10, 2001November 20, 2015

Smells Like Home

The Great Basin/July 10, 2001

It starts when you cross over Hoover Dam. The stars seem to get brighter, the night sky darker. You can smell hints of it: sagebrush and afternoon thunderstorms, freshly-cut alfalfa, the dairy if the wind is blowing the right way. You can picture the vast, comforting emptiness of the Great Basin, despite the darkness of the night and the interruption of Las Vegas. It doesn’t really hit you – that you’re home – until you’re well north of Las Vegas and its neon dreams. Vegas is merely a facade of Nevada. Ask someone from Las Vegas where they’re from, and they’ll tell you Las Vegas. Ask someone from Reno where they’re from, they’ll tell you Nevada. Someone from Carson City? Nevada will be their answer. Jackpot, Ely, Wendover, Austin, Gabbs, Dayton. All crappy little Nevada towns that you don’t care about, that no one really cares about, and if you’re from one of those places, you know it’s a place no one really cares about. So you tell them you’re from Nevada. If you press them, you will get the real answer (“small ranching community approximately 80 miles south of Reno“). Same if you disparage their crappy little town, or any other crappy little town in Nevada. Outside of Las Vegas, Nevada is a tie that binds. Wide-open spaces; hours, not minutes, between towns; half the town your relation.

And so it begins, 100 miles north of Las Vegas. Lights and tourists and artificial everything behind you, nothing but space and eye-blink towns in front. Human form in the Great Basin is a hiccup; it appears without warning, and is a memory before you know it. Towns so small your mind can’t grasp that they are anything but transient, desert gypsies. Cinder blocks under their mobile homes give them away, however; they are here for good. No one out here really travels. There is too much distance between you and what is next, and it’s too damn hot to do anything about it anyway. Nothing moves when it is this hot. A herd of wild burros so still I momentarily mistake them for iron sculptures. But they are real. Anything here not sculpted by the elements is an invasion, an optical distraction that steals from the overwhelming desolation of it all and focuses your eye on one particular object, and that’s not how this desert should be viewed. The Great Basin and its literally hundreds of mountain ranges are best spied from the valley floors. The closest ranges blended pinks, oranges, and whites, barren and scarred by hundred-year old switchbacks leading to some long-forgotten mineral deposit; the furthest ranges sparsely covered with pinon pine and shaded the same gray as the patched concrete roads stretching through the desert. Nothing is here that doesn’t belong. The things that are here fit, and the things that don’t fit are driving like hell to get out. The roads escort invaders to the exit: long stretches of open highway that present oncoming traffic from miles and miles away. Anyone can pass here, it’s just a matter of gauging the distance through the heat waves rising from the pavement. Telephone lines announce any confluence of dirt road with the highway; the poles, with their mid-slung cross beams and upright insulators, reminders of the giant Saguaros I just left behind. Or lonely grave markers for all those who came long before me, but failed to make it through this tired beauty. The roads, too, are lonely. So empty that if you’re not from here, you constantly question the map, straining to remember if you took a wrong turn somewhere despite the fact that the road hasn’t given you that option in a hundred miles.

I come upon a beat up old Ford, four shades of primer gray with knobbed-hands gripping the bus-sized steering wheel. He is from here, I can tell; he drives too slowly to be going anywhere else. There is an oxygen tank standing in the bed of the truck, and a small tube runs over the bed railing and into the open driver’s side window. As I pass, I see the opposite end of the tube wrapped around the driver’s head and inserted up each nostril. He turns and makes eye contact with me; wrinkled face and mouth toothless and open. He is a dead-ringer for Munch’s The Scream. He belongs here, as does his truck. So too the hundreds of species of sagebrush, the turkey-vultures, wild burros, rocks, ghost towns, and ten-thousand foot snow capped peaks.

I am home. I am going home, and I find myself driving like hell to get there.

February 10, 2000November 22, 2015

A Desert Revision

She gave the red Ford Falcon one last push from behind the car door and then jumped behind the wheel. Her sister was already in the passenger seat next to her, holding the sleeping, chubby baby. As she turned on the head lights she glimpsed into her rearview mirror to see the look of semi-confusion on her daughter’s face. Someday they would know, or maybe they would never know. Now it did not matter. The car gained speed as it rolled down the hill. As she passed the white stucco house on the left, the one with the porch swing she loved so much, she turned the ignition and started the car. The engine revved and broke the tense silence that surrounded them all. Still neither she nor her sister said a word to each other or the children. She could not say anything right now, did not want to say anything, did not know what to say if she had wanted to. The stillness spoke. Quiet relief. Tentative joy. Fear. They looked straight ahead, afraid of the noise that would come from turning their head or moving in their seat. She was afraid to push the pedal too hard, afraid of the increase in noise from the engine. The night did not cooperate. There were no clouds to absorb noise, no moon rays to run towards, no people to melt into. The trees did not whisper. Only the stars stared down, staring only at them, inquiring: Where are you running to? What are you running from? She wanted to answer, running from him, running from this, but she did not. She did not trust the stars.

Three boys in a faded blue truck dutifully stepped out of the cab and took off their jackets. They emptied their pockets and one man took a bag from a boy, the tallest one, with jet black hair and a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his sleeve like James Dean, and emptied it out on the ground. Another man took a bottle of tequila from behind the seat of the truck. The guard took the bottle from him and one boy tucked his shirt in his pants and toed the dirt in front of him while another stood with his hands in his back pockets. He spit on the ground as the man motioned for the boys to get back in the truck. They got in and started to pull away and the boy farthest on the right, the James Dean with jet black hair, put his arm along the back of the seat behind the boy in the middle. They were Luckies.

Together they watched the blue truck pull away, and then the man motioned her forward and she put the red Ford into first gear and slowly released the clutch and slowly pressed down on the gas pedal. The car rolled forward smoothly, no lurch. She had practiced for two months in the field behind the house. He grudgingly bought her the car, the one she always wanted, but He bought it with a manual transmission. She said she only knew how to drive an automatic and that He knew it. Then the car will sit He said. He told her she could not drive her car. He would not teach her, so she would teach herself, driving the car in circles every day, sometimes in figure-eights, cutting a hotwalker path the width of the Falcon and sometimes getting the car going as fast as thirty miles an hour so she could put the car through all three gears, all in the tight little field next to the house. Every day when she finished, she would wash the car so He would not see the dirt and would not know she had been teaching herself to drive. She would do it when the girl was not home so that she wouldn’t accidentally say something when He was around. The girl saw though, one day, and she had to tell her it was surprise for daddy so she could not say anything, not a word. Keep a secret.

She released the gas and pushed in the clutch and applied pressure to the brake. The car stopped and the man put his arm on the roof of the car and leaned down so his face was in the window, his eyes hidden behind mirrored glasses, her own eyes instead reflected back at her, distorted like in a fun house mirror.

American she said. He looked at her, or at least she thought he looked at her, and then moved his head to see her passengers. Everyone was sleeping. He stood up and dropped his hand down to rest on the handle of the pistol on his belt and he made a motion with his other arm to wave her through. She pushed in the clutch, put the car in first gear and pushed on the gas and released the clutch. The car jerked three or four times and then leaned forward, gaining speed. She looked into her rearview mirror and the man was bending down again, this time into the window of a small white car, one of those Asian ones, and he did not look her way. She wished she had a Lucky.

The noise that came from the back seat was the little girl waking. As she sat up she pushed the blue blanket that had been covering her onto the seat next to her. She rubbed her eyes, her mouth and lips clenched in a woke-too-early frown. The mid-morning sun came in through the window on her right and made her hair show highlights of red, or auburn. She sat in the middle of the back seat, not behind her aunt and not behind her mother, and her feet, safe in the bottoms of a pair of pink one-piece pajamas, did not touch the floor. She rested her head slightly towards the sun and against the seat back behind her and let her hands lay, palms up, at her sides. Slowly she un-squinted her eyes, her pupils contracting to shed light, the smell of sage in her nose and the taste of a restful night on her tongue. The girl’s gaze locked with her mother’s in the rearview mirror of the car. It shifted, without blinking, as a bug on this Arizona highway impacted on the windshield. The girl had never been alone in the car without her father, but here was her mother behind the wheel and her aunt also in the front seat, brother in her lap. The girl scratched her foot and folded her arms.

Her sister came because she asked her to. No questions or protests, she just said yes and she came. She was young, still in high school, with a temper more appropriate for a Dublin street-fighter than for a young small town girl, and she had an appetite for adventure. And she hated Him. So she flew in to see her sister and her niece and her new nephew whom she had never seen. She brought bags for a week but she would only stay a day. They met at the airport and hugged and cried and left some things unsaid, relayed instead by a knowing look or a certain grasp. She shook His hand and looked into His eyes but once. She rode in the back seat on the way to the house with her niece on the seat next to her, close, the big baby in his mother’s arms and Him driving. They arrived home and sat on the porch and drank iced teas and watched the girl play with the little wiener dog. They stayed up until after the news and then He said its time for bed. For her sister she spread clean sheets on the couch, tucked behind the cushions with a blanket on top and one over the arm, and the girl begged to stay with her aunt and her mother let her. He said nothing. They went to sleep and sometime after midnight, the same time as every night for the past two weeks, she got up and said I hear the baby crying. Tonight, as with many others, the baby wasn’t crying, tonight he would not cry, because she had spiked his milk with a touch of Vodka: she slipped her baby a mickey. She met her sister in the living room and gave her the boy. The bags were already in the car as she stepped onto her porch with no porch swing, her daughter in her arms and her son in her sister’s. The dog was in the yard and she stopped and looked at him, him with his head cocked to one side, and she apologized under her breath but hesitated no longer. They put the children in the car and pushed it down the road and drove it across the border and through the desert, always through the desert.