A Letter to my Hacker(s), You Shameless Scamp(s)

I thought for sure it was you, Eric. You’ve been hounding me for years, begging me to buy your things, your lengthy comments to every one of my blog posts sucking me in with a compliment but then quickly shifting to trying to sell me whatever it is you’re selling. I don’t even need those things, Eric. Yet you put so much into your sales pitch, way more than Kelli, she of the toenail clippers with a capital T capital C, assuring me her product – 60% OFF! – would cut “winding nails, hard nails, two nails, nail cracks, deep nails, thickened nails”, a Bubba Gump of Toenail Clippers. What even are “two nails”, Eric? Do you know? I picture convex keratin like a double-decker bus, the dirt and grime between nail one and nail two thick like the residue of a Northern California mudslide. Or “winding nails”. In what part of the world does Kelli live, Eric, where toenails grow in spirals like a nautilus? It must be a magical place to have toenails that grow in spirals. Like Zanzibar. Or a Guillermo del Toro movie set, or a remote Balinese coastline, yet undiscovered by white men.

Why can’t you be like Rosella, Eric? She, at least, has clearly done her homework. “Have you ever wanted to change the color of your swim shorts without having to buy a new pair?” FUCK YES I HAVE ROSELLA. Have you seen my shorts drawer? How I seethe each time I don my boring, royal blue Columbia™ swim trunks, not quite board shorts but still a modest 9” inseam? It’s like Rosella’s watching me dress, Eric. Unfortunately for Rosella, I recently purchased a pair of pink swim trunks – SEVEN INCH INSEAM! – with white fish skeletons swimming from my left thigh to my right. I plan to tell people they’re Ichthyosaurs, which as you know, Eric, are Nevada’s state fossil. Does your shitty state even have a state fossil Eric? Probably not.

And Yolanda, Eric! Yolanda clearly knows I’m at my computer hours a day, trying my best to write non-garbage, my trapezius…es…i… throbbing equally from my tensioned writer’s block as well as from hammering away on my keyboard in fits of trying to get the words in my head onto paper before I forget them. “I understand that you are looking for ways to improve your posture and contribute to a healthy lifestyle,” Yolanda tells me. “I think our product, Medico Postura™ Body Posture Corrector, can be of great help.” Perhaps, Yolanda. But I’m not encouraged by the customer comments, especially Lillac from Vancouver, who says, “I never would have thought that correcting my posture would relieve excessive pressure off my whale back and hips!”, and now I’m concerned about Lillac’s whale back (and whales don’t have hips, Lillac). What even is this, this ‘whale back’? Does Lillac have a dorsal fin? A blowhole, Eric?

I’m considering connecting Lillac with Bonny or Annett, as Lillac, with her whale back, seems to be more in their target audience. Bonny is selling a “Full Body Resistance Band Kit” – it is unclear if it comes in size whale – while Annett has the “Worlds Greatest Magic Sand Free Beach Mat!” Aside from the perplexing lack of commas – is it Magic Sand, Annett? Sand Free? or a Free Beach Mat? – I’m also distracted by the lack of an “e” at the end of Annett’s name. Do you think, Eric, she pronounces her name in the traditional “Ann-ette”? Or has she chosen the more aggressive “Annit”, like you might hear when debating a roguish Londoner: Crikey, it’s shite for a bird to have a whale back, innit?

At least, Eric, you’ve paid more attention to my blog than Rueben, Elouise, and Martin, who would like my money in exchange for a) a personalized dog harness, where Rueben has “had a lot of success with it so far and I think your dog would love it”; b) a dog dental care brushing stick; or c) the “PawSafer™”, where I can ‘SAFELY TRIM YOUR DOG’S NAILS IN NO TIME FROM HOME.’

Rueben, Martin, and Elouise presume my dog is still alive, Eric, when in fact my dog is dead. DEAD, ERIC. I loved that big dumb dog. I personally put him down – well not really, not like a true frontiersman where I would have taken him out to the Back Forty and given him some lead drops in his ear, crying over him like George whacking Lennie in the back of the head like a mafia hit Jesus in hindsight that was a traumatic and probably unnecessary twist, couldn’t George have talked Curley and the mob down off the ledge instead of shooting his dumb dog friend in the back of the head? – but I did give the vet the green light to put Mojo (PBUH) down. Man that sucked. Rueben, et al, would have known this if they’d taken the time to read my blog. It goes without saying, Eric, that I will be buying neither a personalized dog harness nor a dog dental care brushing kit nor the PawSafer – TM – from Rueben, Martin, or Elouise.

I am, however, considering buying a ‘kitchen opener’ from Aliyah, even though Aliyah clearly means to ease my opening not of kitchens, but of Jars and Bottles. And though I have never been strained or frustrated, Eric, when Opening Jars & Bottles – my god why do you people capitalize everything? – I do have a significant amount of white guilt, even though I’m half Mexican, and even though part of that Mexicanness is Lebanese. My therapist says that me calling it “guilt” is just accessible terminology left over from my Catholic youth, and what I really mean is “white savior”, which makes sense because Aliyah sounds like she might be from the Middle East and I want to assist in her Search For a Better Life. Aliyah could be a Hebrew name, but it’s also the feminine of ‘Ali’, which is most definitely not Hebrew, and either way I feel compelled to help her out. And that’s definitely not racist, Eric.

Did I mention Dong, who is selling the same product as Yolanda? It doesn’t matter, Eric. Saying the name “Dong” out loud – and I’m three glasses of wine in at this point – makes me giggle. Dong. Whale back. Dong.

To the person who did not leave their name: I’m sorry, but I have not shopped at Vapor Bank E-Cig shop at 585 East Los Angeles Avenue Suite G. And to your friend, who also did not leave their name: I do not have any suggestions on how to get New Hairstyles listed in Yahoo! News, which makes me sad because a) I hate disappointing people, and b) I LOVE Yahoo! News. I mean even the exclamation point after Yahoo!! (TWO exclamation points Eric! Though the second one, to be fair, is mine). What genius made that happen?

YAHOO MARKETING PLAY-IT-SAFE GUY: “I don’t think ‘yahoo news’ is even a full sentence, and I’m uncomfortable with any punctuation, let alone an exclamation point, appearing in any form in our logo.”

YAHOO! MARKETING GENIUS: “You are weak and should be fired for your lack of bravery. This is yahoo. Yahoo! We shall scream YAHOO! from the digital rooftops, to such an extent that it is clear the written form of our company’s name includes an exclamation point. You may, however, say ‘news’ normally and without emphasis.”

Yahoo! News – and this is me talking again Eric, not my imaginary marketing genius – has the best, THE BEST, headlines. Like “Topless Woman Attempted to Ride a Lost Dolphin Trying to Find its Way Back to Sea”, or “I’m an Autistic Sex Worker, and Here’s why it Works for Me”, or “Home Inspector Allegedly Caught on Video ‘pleasuring himself’ with Elmo Doll”. Or, Eric, if you’d like something more in the zeitgeist, “Did Cardi B Fart During her Grammy Performance?”

I bet, nameless person inquiring about how to get New Hairstyles listed in Yahoo! News, if you could convince Cardi B to fart while riding, topless, a misoriented dolphin, and having either of them wearing one of your New Hairstyles, you might at least make it to Internet page 2.

After all that, Eric, it turns out you’re not my hacker. I should have known, as your sentences are boring. BO-ring. My hacker, on the other hand, strung together an amazing sequence of words that resulted in “After giving him some time to cope with his cat passing away, he made plans to see her again and she was thrilled. He canceled the date last minute again because he said his grandma had died.” Two deaths, Eric, in just two sentences! Who would not cancel a date after these emotional setbacks?

I’m sorry I thought you were my hacker, Eric, but I’m wondering if you might help me? It turns out that the article fraudulently posted on my webpage, “Best Dating Sites for Over 50”, has been posted on 11,300 other webpages. Can you connect me with the author? I’d like to know how I can spam 11,000 people with my drivel.

All the best,
Jay

P.S.: To Julian: I am not in a position to recommend Spreader Bars, and I know not the best state to get lingerie. But I’d suggest you start with Florida.